Bad things only makes us stronger

Very personal. Maybe I shouldn't talk about it, but I really want to get it off my chest and blog is the best place for me even though it's public and others don't have to know about my problems. But still... it's my life and I'm not ashamed or whatever. I'm gonna give all my secrets away. Ok, don't get your hopes up :D

Another sleepless night. Me and mom are sleeping in my sistetrs room, cause sleeping in the same room with dad is impossible because of the reason I already have told. What my sis did? Watched some stupid vampire series (Buffy I think) without headphones. Somehow I still fell asleep. Then about 4am I woke up because of an awful smell. My sis had smoke in the room and not even opend the window. Thank you for harming my health and not letting me and mom sleep. Mom asked if she's gonna watch her stupid show all night long. She said yes. Thoughtful! Yes, I was grateful that she let us sleep in her room, cause we couldn't sleep in our room. Me, my mom and I don't have our own room. We sleep in our living room that are split half with a closet. My dad got my bed, so yeah. My lil bro slept in the same room with dad. Hahha, nothing can disturb him when he's sleeping.

So I woke up 4am and I wasn't able to fall asleep again. So I went to the kitchen to study. I have never drink black coffee, but this morning I drinked 2 cups and I even liked it. Unusual. Anyway when sis came to the kitchen and wanted to smoke there, I got mad and said she can close the window, close and tape the holes of her door and smoke there.
"Are you serious?" she asked.
I said of course I am. I even said thank you for letting us sleep there and I wanted to explain that she was wrong and selfish, but she just said angrily "Shut your mouth" and went to her room. Noone messes with me. I took tape, went to her door and did what I had to :D
My bro woke up "What are u doing?"
I said "Shh!"
He looked and understand "Good work!"
Hahah. He added that I should have taped her window also, cause she could escape through the window by bonding her clothes together. He have watched too much tv. The tape wouldn't stop her going out of her room (I'm not that bad, come on), but the message counted. I had to take it off, so my sis wouldn't be able to accuse us in terrorizing her. Puberty is sooooooooooooooo awesome.

I felt so bad for my mom. She will have a very long and hard day today. First 4 dirty house she needs to clean and then school. She'll be home at 9pm. She was so messed up in the morning. Tyred and sick. When I put my hand on her forehead and hold it there for a while, she almost fell asleep. It's so imprortant that she will have a good sleep. Uhh..

It's so hard. It really is. I love her, but sometimes I wish I lived somewhere else, far away from her. The things she have told to me.. the things she have told others about me... It hurts alot. I thought we were good, that we get a long fine, that we are friends and then she just goes and complains how awful I am.
We have to interrupt, but the swedish childcare system is f*cked up. Children have so many rights and parents so few.




Yesterday happend really disturbing incident. I had some minutes before i had to go to bus, so I went to a foodshop to just look if they had some good offers or new goods. When I hurried on the bus, the shopkeeper stoped me.
"Can I look in to your bag?"
I was so shocked that I had to ask "What?" even though I heard very well what se said.
I felt so embarrased, humiliated. I think my face was red as Snowhites lips. She had no reason at all. I didn't even touch anything. I gave my bag and she searched my bag like I was some thief. I should have asked maybe they wanna search through me too like police searches through hooligans and other crooks WITH A GOOD REASON. Search my pockets and touch my body. Maybe even do a x-ray just for in case I had swallowed something. I'm never gonna go back to that shop. And what's worst, the women even didn't appologize. These kind of things get's me so bad, that I usually cry, but I was holding it back this time. I wish I had said something to that mean woman. Come on, every shop has cameras and alarms... What if I had took apples or sth with from home? What would have happend? What if I had missed the bus because of them? What if I was in hurry? That's just so so so stupid. I told about what happend to my classmates who were also waiting the bus. They said that it have happend before too. The reason why they searched my bag, was that it was big (usual size, just a schoolbag) and if I wanna go to a shop, I should leave my bag to cashier's. ?????????????? That's not normal, really. I'm gonna do sth about it. I promice. Noone have to feel themselves as thieves with no reason.

I close my eyes and I can see a better day.