Greatful to the pain

So, I got highly sour stomach. I of course was paranoid enough to think I'm gon die :D Had pretty much decided how to spend the time I had left and that I love my life no matter how long and short it will be. I appreciate being alive. And now when I have constant pain in my stomach, I'm greatful that otherwise I'm in good healt and that I didn't have any pain before it. Despite all the inconvenieces I'm actually happy that it happend. It's like a wake-up-call.
There's not many ppl who knows that I started smoking in the summer. Me, the real hater of smoking. I wanted to quit for the last 2 months. I minimised my smoking, but I couldn't have a smoke-free day. Thanks to the bellyache I managed to stay smokefree. The smell disgusts me.
The other thing I've been working on is my eating habits. I've been trying to eat healthy. Now I have to do it. Wrong food (fatty, greasy food) would give me excruciating pain. So no chocolate :D
Things happen for a reason. I can't sleep that much and do things because of the pain, but it's all good for me.

EXCRUCIATING!

Suffering in pain for many hours now. I have no idea what's wrong, but my stomach is swollen. It's like I'm suddenly 4-5 months pregnant AND IT FRIKING HURTS. It started with a lower-back pain and now all my stomach feels like stuff inside wants to exploide. These times I really think how much I love my country. If you have these kind of problems, health-problems, you get help. Ambulans would come after you. Plus you don't have to pay a bunch of money for it. But here they just tell me to get there myself. Hell no! It's like 1 o'clock in the night, buses don't drive anymore and I live about 40km away. So I'm like "Be a man" , "Grow some balls" , "It would be over in the morning" aso. But I'm not a man and I most certainly don't need balls and it still hurts that bad that I cry. Please please please be over soon!!!

Dreams and OneLoveCruise

Weirdest night ever. First I saw a half-dream. It's like you're dreaming, but it feels so so real. My sweetie was sleeping next to me. It was super warm like it always is when he's in bed. I think he's hand was around me. I was reaching out for him and he was gone. My stupid almost dream. Me grabbing pillows and plankets. I got 3 pillows and 4 plankets on my bed :D Try to beat that.

Then a real dream. It was 19th century kind of mixed with present. The Hitler time. I remember I was in a small room with 2 doors. Next to right door standed Hitler and next to left door standed I-don't-remember-he's-name (it may have been Stalin, but in my dream he sure wasn't russian). Anyway it was war and those to were the heads of the 2 countries. Anyway the 3 of us was in the small room. Both of men were ready to open the door for me. I had to choose. I knew that Hitler's side was cruel, bad, evil. Not for the ppl who was on his side. I just knew it was wrong. But I also knew I'd survive for sure if I picked his side. There was an older woman who wanted good for me and told me to choose Hitler. But the other side... All my friends where on that side. Everybody I love was on that side. Somewhere... It was "the good side". But also the dangerous one. I knew I'll die there. I would have been marked either way. It was like a really painful tattoo kind of mark to show which side I belong to. I choosed Hitler. And I was crying all the time, 'cause I knew that my ppl gonna die. I woke up sweating more than I sweat in gym.


15.-17. november is the One Love Cruise. Stockholm-Tallinn-Stockholm. Yesterday was the first time I checked it out on the internet. I thought it was way too expensive for me and I didn't know it goes to Estonia. IT WAS CHEAP! There are performing a bunch of dancehall/reggae artist. I only knew like 3 of them but I have only one song from each of them on my phone. So I'll survive that I miss that cruise. In Spring there were really really really cool artists, but that time I didn't even knew about the cruise. Anyway this time is my favourite DJ on board. That Tequila bar DJ. And lot of my friends. I'm extremly jealous. And mad at myself. I would have had such a blast. But I'll go there next time and then will Squeeze be there :D Oh yes! Have to be so.

Gym Tan Work Joy Joy Joy ...

I discovered really awesome movies. "Madea's big happy family" , "Madea goes to jail" , "Madea's family reunion" and other films with Madea. Tyler Perry plays the character of Madea and HIS AMAZING. So funny! The best comedies of all!!

Started going to gym again and I'm taking it seriously. Sweat sweat sweat!

What's new? I'm occupied with a sweet sweet guy. So far so good. I'm changing.. now I don't let a guy be everything for me. I got other things in my life too. Weird that ever since you're not available anymore, loads of guys start to give lot of attention on you. So random things have happend. But I like it. Makes life more interesting. And they keep boosting my ego. So go ahead and come around me. I have good karma, ego, good whatever. I'm happy most of the time.

I really really really want my own club. It's my biggest wish and goal right now. There's not many good places where I can hear my music. There's a huge need for it. But first I gotta find more job, work hard so I'd have enough money to make my dream come true. My club already excists in my head. Gotta use "The Secret"...

Call me crazy, but I wanna have 3 jobs. Seriously. After 5 years I got em. And house. And car. Maybe pregnancy :D And after at most 10 years I got my club. Yep. That's how it's gonna be. If I don't change my mind meanwhile :D Anyway all those things are realistic and not that difficult to achieve.

I'm so tired, but not able to sleep. Strange. I got no problems, nothing that should keep me up. Everythings fine. I don't understand...

I'm so happy that I didn't go to USA. The people I've met, the friends I have now... I'm happy where I am now. I've never felt that kind of satisfaction. I always felt that I'm in wrong place. Now are things right.

I knew that the weekend is going to be good but in reality it was beyond everything I imagined. First Angela stayed over on Thursday. Girl talk almost all night long. Creating evil plans and laughing hard. She's really the best kind of girlfriend. "I don't let anybody hurt my gal!" and she means it. We were so close to do what we had planed... but things changed. And I'm glad about it. The person didn't deserve it actually. Rumours of jealous people made me believe bad things about him. Anyway I'm superhappy to have a friend who always got my back. So if someone's messing with me, he's gonna pay high price for that. I'm not the one to be played with.
Angela makes my life more exciting. I love you gal! She's one of the reasons why I should be happy.

Friday me and Angela were wearing friking hot outfits.

Who run the world? GIRLS! We went to my friends place first and then to Moses place. I wanted to go to Agave too. I went and it was so far the coolest party in Agave. Everybody was there plus lot of new people I haven't seen before. Lot of gorgeous people who knew how to dance. When I got in, I went to say hey to the Dj. Man I was happy to see him! He played all my favourite songs. Then a friend who I havent seen so long time came there. I almost huged him into pieces :D I danced hard and enjoyd every second.

Saturday was also fine as heaven! My sis wanted to go to Pari's party, but I choosed to stay with Angela. Then Pari invited Angela too and we went there. We were walking on the streets and Angela wanted me to listen some song and she gave me one of her headphones. "Listen this! Don't look to the right! Just walk.". She thought I was avoiding a person. "He was there. Calling your name and stuff." :D I went back and said hey.
Pari's party was cool but we didn't stay there that long. I wanted to go to Agave so bad. The music wasn't as good as it was on Friday but it was still good. I pretty much danced with only one person the whole night. Usually I dance alone, with my girls and some guy-friends. This time was a lot different.
Agave is another reason that keeps me happy. The memories I got there and people I met. I really enjoy the music there.

The third one is Squeeze. Whenever I hear his "Dutty love" I go crazy happy and I start dancing. Don't need much to be happy :) He's quite unknown artist, but not for long. I've been spreading Squeeze-love :D Yes, he gotta come to Sweden!

Then my family makes me glad. My sister is like my best friend and I couldn't me more greatful to my mom. She made me so beautiful in all ways.


When I meet someone, I hope that we don't have common friends, 'cause I don't wanna hear any rumours. I want the person to be an empty page for me. You never know if the things people say are true or not. People like to change truth and see things that aint there. "We see things as we are, not as they are". Rumours almost ruind everything. Things still went as they supposed to. And I'm happy.

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Weeks ago I was heading to some queer thing with sister. In central station were some guys who tried to fob off phone-bill-contract or whatever it's called. Out of nowhere one half-black guy said "Damn u're fine." I saied "U too." and then he "Give me a kiss.". Just like that. People keep suprising me. My sister has the same contract so I decided to do it too. In the middle of writing down my information another contract-guy asked "Are u single?". Nice way to make girls sign the contract. As u see, it totally worked with me. Then they asked if my and my sister are a couple. Like wtf? Way too many ppl have thought that we're together. So weird! By now I have cancelled that stupid contract. It may be better than the one I have, plus I would get a new phone, but I don't really need it. I'm totally happy with the one I have.

I've been discovering Uppsalas sex shop "Lustgården" lately. I just love that place. Mostely because of the shopkeeper. She's so cool! "I've tried to put that condom on my head. I had to use 3...". The stuff there are friking amazing. I even found an awesome party-dress. Plus I got a wicked idea there. Evil me. If u play with me, I play u back.

"Don't get confused between my personality and my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are."

 

Tomorrow is a big day. I'll get my salary and I have already planed how to chop half of it. Good job, huh! I'm getting a tattoo finally. Deam, how excited I am! The whole week is going to be amazing!

Mi luv da song!

Restoranitöö on suht käpas ja inimesed väga omad. Alguse poole oli kyll hullumaja. Seal käib nii palju kylalisi, et hoia ja keela. Pole elus midagi sellist näinud. Kui buss tuleb on mitukymmend inimest platsis, kes k6ik tahavad syya. Stress! Siis on yks araablasest kaastöötaja Thomas, kes on suht perv. Thomas on hullult s6bralik ja koguaeg naljatab minuga, aga käpib veits palju. Ykskord katsus mu kanni korra. Mu thai poksi treener Chawan töötab ka seal ja tal on Thomasega kana kitkuda. Igatahes treener nägi, et ma olin näost ära. Kysis mis on ja ma muidugi kitusin ära. "Step back and do the elbow-kick" :D 6petas, kuidas molli anda. Chawan on ylemuse tytre mees ja kuna Chawan ei salli seda "fucking pussy" 't ytles ta oma naisele, kes omakorda ylemusele :D Kartsin täiega, et nyyd hakkan vatti saama, aga k6ik oli kombes. Rohkem pole ta mind puudutanud. Imeline! Ma olen ikka suht muna kyll, et ma ise pole asju selgeks teinud. Tuleb lihtsalt öelda, et ära käpi mind ja korras. A ma loodan, et pilgust piisab. Sittagi.

Ylemus on mul nii äge! Ta on pärit Horvaatiast, Splitist, sellest kohast, mida ma armastan. Ta k6ht on nagu yks suur kivik6va pall. Nagu pomm, mis v6ib iga hetk plahvatada. Metsik!



Araabia mehed ja pilukad on jubedad! Näiteks eile Tequila bar'is yks pilukas lihtsalt seisis ja vahtis mind ja Anxu. See nägu kuulub maailma pervodema nägude top10-sse. See nilbe naeratus... vastik! Läksime Anxuga korra baarist välja jahtuma ja natukese aja pärast arvake ära, kes meie juurde tuli? Facking ilge tyyp. Alguses tegime nagu teda pole olemas, aga kui ta ikka aru ei saanud vihjest, tegime talle asjad puust punaseks. Rohkem ta meid ei tyydanud ega vahtinud :D Ja araablased... oeh. Matsid. Ei oska naisi kohelda.


Mu nv oli ylisisukas. Reedel kl. 3-10 töö restoranis pärast mida koju pessu ja kohe bussi peale. Tequila bar aka Agave. Ma ilmselgelt armastan seda kohta. I have never seen someone like him before! Ta tantsis kuradi vingelt. Ja siis tantsisin mina temaga. Ausalt, kus ta varem on olnud? See oli hämmastav. Pluss ta nägi äge välja. Bruno Marsi stiil. Siis ma leidsin kellegi, kes mu arust nägi välja nagu Kanye West.. no ma ei tea.. Ma joon inimesed ilusaks vist. Ja ta tantsis nagu uimane kala. K6ige parem on tantsida tydrukutega, eriti Anxu ja Triinuga. Triinuga läheme nats hulluks. Paljud arvavad alguses, et me oleme paar. Ykskord olime vetsujärjekorras ja yks tydruk, kes meie taga seisis ytles, et ma suudleks Triinu. "I can see that u like her. But don't go and fuck in the toilet 'cause I really need to pee.". Totally weird! Nyyd me väga ei julge koos tantsida...
Laupäeval kl. 1-10 töö restos. Järgnes sama stsenaarium nagu reedel. See nö Kanye West oli seal ja siis ja siis ja siis tuli mu ylilemmik tantsumees tagasi. Kui k6ik koju hakkasid minema ytles ta, et see on ta viimane nv siin. Kolib ära kuskile. My life!!! :D Eba6iglane. Mul olid suured plaanid temaga. Just kidding.
Pyhapäev kontorikoristus ja siis j6usaal. Kui Eesti tulen, näitan musklit. Olen suht rahul.

Huvitav, kuidas mu issi tunneb end.. yks tytardest on lesbi ja teisele meeldivad mustanahalised :D Huvitav, mis Arturist saab...

What's up?

Palju palju tööd ja trenni ja pidu viimased 2 nädalat. Kuna reedene teema on kõige värskem, siis skippin kõik muu. Pidin oma 4 sõbrannaga dominicaanlase juurde peole minema, aga see teema läks way liiga kahtlaseks, kui minekuks läks, nii, et läksime Sanne sõprade juurde. Pakuti juua nii, et võeti joogid ja topsid ja mindi meile kokku segama seda. Tänan ei. Võõraid ei usalda. Jälle liiga kahtlane. Hejdå ja oma teed. Muidugi olin juba selle mõelnud, et mis edasi, kui Sanne teema on lame. Tequila pub, kuhu tuli Abdullah oma šokolaadigängiga ja Daniel pidi ka oma sõpradeega tulema. Mul polnud ID-d kaasas, aga seda ei küsitudki. Houmid juba vist :D Valge DJ, mis tähendab üldjuhul lamedat muusikat, aga teatud konditsioonis olles ei oma see tähtsust. Vahepeal tuli midagi head ka ikka, nii et täiesti läbikukkunud see valge šokolaad polnud. Teised mu tüdrukud kadusid meil lihtsalt ära kuskile.Tantsisime Anxuga. Ma ei tea, mis tuuled küll puhusid, et meil nii palju lööki oli. Millegipärast arvasid mõned, et me tahame hullult neid enda vastu hõõruma. Mõni lihtsalt vaatas. Üks istus ja ütles, et ta abielluks meiega (minu ja Anxuga) kui ta juba abielus poleks, sest me tantsime hästi. Kind of weird. Ma ei hakka eitama, et sellise massive tähelepanu saamine mulle ei meeldinud. Sain enda jaoks maailma parima komplimendi, kui mulle öeldi "Dancehall queen".  Ütlen ausalt, et nad panid üle. Peo lõpu poole läks asi kahtlaseks. Kõik kutsusid meid enda juurde afterparty'le. Abdullah ühte kohta, ta sõber teise kohta, Anxu tuttava vend kolmandasse. "Come with us, we're having the best afterparty". Viimane laul (mis on muide superhea)

oli kõik kuidagi väga koos nagu kilud karbis. Liiga palju kehasid, liiga palju ohjeldamatuid käsi. Kui mingi kiimas araablane tuleb mu taha tantsima ja surub oma olematu asjanduse mu tagumiku vastu, pole ma eriti rõõmus. Give him the look and push him away. Väljas ootas meid takso. Kellega, kuhu?? Lõpetasime Salabackenis kohe selle studio, kus Chris muusikat tegi kui siin oli, kõrval. Vb sellepärast oli turvalisem tunne. Tants omavalitud muusika järgi + muusikavideo vaatamine suurelt ekraanilt, imeline! Me Anxuga põhimõtteliselt kuskile ööseks ei jää, aga oi deem mis jauramine algas, et me sinna jääks. Nii desperate ikka olla ei saa. Enne kella üheksat hommikul koju minek. Siiamaani magamata. Hea töö :D


Üks teine päev kohtasime Anxuga ülihuvitavat tüüpi. Meil oli igav ja kõndisime lihtsalt Uppsala linnapargis ringi. Istusime pingile ja kõrval olev tüüp hakkas juttu rääkima. Kingston guy Spino. Mu maailmapilt laienes. Ta rääkis, kuidas Jamaical on. Põmst igal pool võid lambist kuuli saada. Spino võtabki elu mõnuga ja naudib seda, mis on praegu, mitte ei tööta oo kauge helge tuleviku pärast, mida ei pruugigi tulla. Ta viskas oma prügi maha. arvake ära, mis suhtumine mul selle suhtes on, aga siis ta ütles midagi täiesti teise nurga alt vaadatut. Tänu sellele prahile saab keegi tööd. Hämmastav :D Ma pole elus nii sellele mõelnud. Üleüldse oli tal super suhtumine KÕIGESSE. Everliving, everfaithful, eversure.

Stop thinking about what's the wrong and what's the right thing to do. If it feels good then it's right and just skip the bullshit and enjoy.

So bored

It's been a shitty weather for way too long, which makes everything worse than it is already. And they said England is a rainy country. Come to Sweden and swim on streets. Such a bullshit. I'm bored to death. Luckily I'm assumingly gonna have another job. Would be awesome to work literally all the time. Pluss getting money feels good. The more the better :D Gotta save a lot for my heavenly good plans. Sun, warmth and people who makes me happy. Isn't it what life is all about? Being happy, I mean. Now I'm living the safe life. Boring as fuck. When some weeks ago I thought about settling down, than now I wanna pack my bag and leave. Sweden is good. Kind of a land without worries. But it's all fucking boring. Pluss the weather is even worse than in my country. I'd rather live in a warm sunny exciting country where I don't have much money, than here. Money is good, but it's not happiness.

On Saturday I finally went out with a guy I met in my paradise pub. What a mistake. We went to cinema and watched "Babycall". That movie was WICKED! If you can, then watch it. One of the best horror movies. The movie was the only good thing about that night. Would have been even better if I had watched it alone...


Oh, I finished school. So proud of myself 'cause I did it so fast. No I could go and study sth, but what's the point if I'm probably going far away anyway. Don't even know if I need swedish at all in future :D Whatever. I like the language.


Life is still good and it's gonna get only better.

Give me some sun please!

When the drugs don't work no more, you get high on life

If people wanna make a change, it's gotta be for themselves, not for someone else, otherwize it just won't work. They say love conquers everything. That if you love someone, you accept their flaws. But there's a limit. Things that are unacceptable. And you gotta let go even though the love is stone-strong. Even though you know that the other half would love you to death and be faithful. Feels like choking. Should have seen that in the very beginning. But I had trust and hope and pink glasses... It's time to get off them now. Wish I could do the same with feelings too. Just take them out from myself. And I hate that wicked shit. I hate what they do with people.

Typical life. Things just doesn't go as you expect. And if everything wasn't bad enough, I get an other thing to worry about. My health. WHAT A BULLSHIT!

I haven't stop loving

"hey

i really appreciate your nice profile.

iam ali from morocco and so happy to create a nice friendship with you.

have a nice moments

thanks from ali,"

It's hilarious when people think that google translate works just fine.

I got my sunshine back. First, the pills are not fucking up my mood anymore. Second, I feel happy about my decision to stay in Sweden. Third, uhmm.. don't knoow. I'm so excited about next week. On Tuesday I'm gonna go to Estonia with my cute guy. Well see how that goes... On Wednesday we're gonna come back with my sis, her daughter and granny. It's the first time they all gonna see Chris. Then Friday I'll get 20!! Excitement is on the edge.

Now I'm enjoying my feber and being busy to get well. Eating garlic, drinking lot's of tea.. yeah., I'm taking it seriously. Not really good time to be sick. Had so many plans. Uppsala Pride which my lil sis have helpt organized (it's really important for her), friends who want's to meet me, work, gym. I'm addicted to gym and the girl-talk with my mom in sauna after training. So good! Wanna hear something ridiculous? Someone stole my bikinis when I left them dry in the sauna. Pretty gross. I wouldn't ever wanna wear some strangers bikinis. Pluss even though they were gorgeous were they also cheap. Not really worth to steal. I can live without them :D Pluss it was impossible to swim with them and hoping my precious parts are hidden.

Here they are. Don't know why here looks the colours so out-washed. Mine had much brighter colours.

Life is good!

Cause the guilt is eating me inside

Around the end of January I started to talk with my USA host family. Gosh, how excited I was. Glowing and stuff. The family is so cute and the kids.. 2 girls, one is 3 and the other is 5. My phone is full of their pictures. Some kind of being in love.

About 1 month ago I got a visa. Then 2 weeks ago I went back to my homeland to do final driving exam, get criminal record and some healt evaluation thing. A lot of headache. I strongly reccomend to keep your vaccin pass in a safe place. You can't even imagine how important that can be. Anyway the end of the day I didn't have anything I came for. I'm allowed to get new driving licence not before 11th January (which means I have to get it through the Internet while I'm in USA). I didn't get criminal record also. They said I can do it only through Internet. Ok, I orderd it and got an e-mail when I was back in Sweden, that I can go and check it out. Everything would have been status quo if I would have find any ID-card reader in Sweden. I went to banks, library, school, but nothing. Most people even didn't know what that is. Then the health whatever thing is not done either. I didn't know I needed vaccin pass. Unbelievable that my doctor didn't have my information about vaccins. By the time I managed to get the vaccin pass, I had to already go back to Sweden. Which means I should go back to my homeland. But I knew it's all worth it. I have wanted this for a long time. The other problem is money. Being an Au Pair in USA isn't that cheap. Insurances and program fee and few other stuff costs together about 1100 euros and I earn in a month about 600 euros. I would have had that money long time ago if I wouldn't have spend that much money. Pluss trips to Estonia and visa costed almost 300 euros. Another headache.

About month ago offered a family in France a babysitter job. Awesome offer. I would have been in Europe and able to visit my family, friends and Chris. I said no to that offer. That USA family was already in my heart. I told my dad about that offer and he said I should go there. I only got mad on him. I already had a family in USA. "How the children would feel when I decide not to go to there? Like "Hey guys, I found another family, I'm not gonna come to you."". I could never do that to my USA family.

When I was in Estonia, I thought about how things gonna go when something happens with me? Like if I get hit by a car and die or sth. Wanna know what I was worried about if that happend? I was worring about if the USA family gets to know that. If the Au Pair agancy would find out why I don't answer the e-mails and phone calls. I worry about weird things, right. But I really don't want the kids and parents think that I don't want their family or something. That's how much I care about them.

Leaving home is also not that easy. Hearts broken and stuff.

So a week ago told my teacher that a family near my area (about 10 km from my home) would like to have an Au Pair in August. I was like damn! Why those offers comes now? I started to think "What if...?" thoughts. I came up with so many positive aspects why staying in Sweden is better. I would have good swedish practice. I could keep the cleaning job (I do itt only 2 times in a week from 4pm-10pm). So I'd earn a lot. I could pay rent to my mom. Her life would get easier. I wouldn't have to leave my guy. I'd be in Europe. Oh, and I'd keep paying taxes, so after 1 and a half year I would have rights for swedish pension :D When few months ago I thought that Sweden isn't that country I wanna live in, than now I think I would still like to live here. After I came back from my last Estonia-trip, I felt so good to be back HOME. That's what it is. Besides, it's a really good country to live and build a family (I'm gonna do it eventually :D). So it would be reasonable to settle down here for good and not to run around the world. I felt guilty to think those thoughts (USA family...) like I felt guilty being so excited and happy about going to USA (boyfriend..). The more I thought about things, the more I wanted to stay in Sweden. I talked about it with so many people. I decided to cancel my Au Pair year in USA. Now I have said it to the Au Pair agency. Paid the cancellation fee. I wrote a letter to my USA family. The hardest thing ever. I couldn't klick "send" for a long time. I keep thinking about how they feel. Especially the children. Even telling my boyfriend that I'm going to USA for a year wasn't so hard. He's a grown-up, but the girls are so little. I really hope they are not sad. Wish I could do both in the same time: go to USA and stay in Sweden. The older you get, the harder decision you gotta make.



I'm a selfish bastard. I hate what I did. I hate that I change my mind. That I can't stay true to my plans. I'm not gonna forgive it to myself. I'm so sorry, my american girls!!! I did a lot to be able to come there. I even borrowed book that teaches how to raise girls and another book that gives a lot of creative games and activities for children. I wanted to be the best Au Pair ever. They deserve only the best. And than I did this... I don't regret my final decision. Staying in Sweden is good for my future. But it just feels so bad. I'm a jerk.

Emme pole varem midagi nii ilusat kellelegi mu sõpradest ütelnud, kui ta Anxule ütles. Olin suht melanhoolses tujus mõni aeg tagasi, mille põhjusest ma rääkida ei taha. Siis hakkasin Anxuga väga palju läbi käima. Üks õhtu, kui ta taas meie juures oli, ütles emme talle: "Angela, aitäh, et sa mu tütrel olemas oled. Ta oli õnnetu ja nüüd on ta jälle rõõmus.". Ema süda teab. Sõbrannad on NIIIIIII OLULISED.


The other night saime kõne ühelt niggalt, kellega mingi teine päev hängisime veits. Uppsalas pidi pidu olema. Lõpuks ometi aafrika pidu, mida ma nii kaua oodanud olen. Metsik sättimine algas. Imedepidi jõudsime ilusti bussi peale. Tüdruk pole lihte olla, nii palju ettevalmistusi välja minekuks :D Guys, APPRECIATE IT! Uppsalas istusime bussijaamas ja jõime rumminatukest, mis kaasa sai võetud. Ma pole päris ammu joonud, seega sellest natukesest piisas. Saime tolle niggaga kokku ja sõitsime ta sõbra juurde. Jõuame kohale. Mm, esikus palju jalanõusid. Hea märk. Ja siis juhitakse meid selle tüübi imepisikesse tuppa. Muusika tuli mu telefonist. Party indeed. "Umm, where's the party?". Hämmastav, kui ilmselge kõik oli. Küsisime, kas linnas sees pole mingit pidu. Pidi olema mingi klubi, kuhu mu alaealine Anx pidi sisse saama, sest neil pidid tutvused sees olema. Läksime sinna. Meanwhile bussi peal... Ütlesin ära, et mul kutt. Anx valetas, et tal ka kutt. Kas neid niggereid takistas see, et meil kutid? Ei! See, kes minuga rääkis, ütles, et mis siis, me võime ikka "ha kul" (have fun vms...). "Det är Sverige. Vem bryr sig?". Koju tahan. Eriti rõve on see, kui kutt teeb komplimente ja sa tead, et need on tagamõttega. Ainus hea asi oli see, et tänu sellele rummile arvasin, et olen sitaks hea rootsi keeles ja rääkisin vabalt. Igatahes jõudsime sinna kluppi, mis osutus kohvikulaadseks kohaks. Kahte inimest nägime seal lisaks meile. Uhh, kui haiged niggerid. Nad läksid kuskile keldrikorrusele korra. Me kasutasime võimalust ja lasime jalga. "JOOKSEME!". Hhaha, adrenaliin. Tõesti ei viitsinud nendega maad jagada. Nii oli lihtsam. Ja valusam neile. Nad olid selle sajaga ära teeninud. Me pole mingi lõdva püksikummiga rootsi alaealised neiud, effing ajuhälvikutest bonerkingid! Lükake oma tokk seinakontakti ja rahunege maha.
Eile (vist), kui koju läksime oli bussijuhiks üks mustanahaline mees. Ta on koguaeg hullult tore ja äge, aga seekord, kui ta naeratas ja ütles, et me näeme head välja, oli mul kahtlane tunne, vaatamata sellele, et see bussijuht oli kõike muud kui pervert vms. Kõik tänu nendele eelmistele kiimakottidest niggeritele. Uhh...


Mu kallis Triin oli Uppsalas noortekas rulatamas ja kutsus meid(mina ja Anx) ka. Sara Liibanonist hängis ka meiega. Palju rootsi keele praktiseerimist. Ma pole elus rulatanud, aga nüüd hakkasin seda lausa armastama. Otseloomulikult tegin rohkem kui üks kord tutvust maaga, aga sellest polnud absoluutselt midagi. Püsti ja edasi.

Suur reede... Ma pole täitsa kindel, aga see võis olla mu elu parim pidu. Uppsala getto, Gottsunda, Triinu klassivenna juures. Terve toatäis mustanahalisi tüüpe, kes nägid välja nagu nad oleks 14-17, aga tegelt oli enamus minuvanuselised. JA NAD TANTSISID! Ma olin sellist teemat nii kaua oodanud. Õpetasid meile ka igast ägedaid liigutusi. See oli taevas. Muusika, inimesed, kõik oli NII ÕIGE! Ja nendega sai rääkida. Ei mingi käppimine ega libe jutt. Pluss ma õppisin swahili keelt, millest nüüdseks pole midagi enam meeles. Mingi aeg tuli ära minna, sest keegi oli hädaldanud lärmi pärast vms. Oi deem!! Seal bussi peal oli täielik kaos. Ma ei tea, mis tunne on Aafrikas päris õigel aafrika peal, aga ma usun, et midagi sarnast nagu mul seal nende keskel oli. Läksime mingisse pubi sarnasesse kohta. Mul polnud mingit dokumenti kaasas ja mu teised tüdrukud on alaealised, aga sisse me saime. Läbirääkimised. Appi, see pubi!!! Mmmh! Ma arvasin, et sellist kohta siin ei eksisteeri. Väga palju dancehalli ja superägedad inimesed, kes enamus tantsisid. Paradiiis. Ma ei ütle rootslaste kohta midagi halba, nad lihtsalt pole mu teetass, eriti mis puutub pidutsemisse. Nende arusaam peost on laua taga istumine ja joomine. Igatahes sain lõpuks oma dancehall peo ja nüüd on kõik väga bueno.

'Cause I love my life

Carrothead confessions

Tegin värvipesu juustele. Surm kiharatele. Blondeerimispulber ja uhh. Igatahes olen porgand peast. Ja ma ei kavatse veel 6ige värviga yle teha, sest ma tahan, et mul oleksid juusked ka tulevikus. Seega naudin elu siuksena. Yks soome vanatädi, kelle juures emem ja Krista koristamas ja k6ike muud tegemas käime ytles otse välja, et jube on :D Ei vaidle vastu. DET ÄR ÄCKLIGT! Otsekohesed inimesed on super! Ja mul suva, et mu juuksed sellised on.


Ja see laul, mis mu bootie sheikima paneb:

IMELINE!

Kellelgi veel läheb paigal pysimine raskeks?

Ma ei tea, kas see on ainult naiste viga, et tujud vahelduvad ülikiiresti? See ajab hullult närvi. Igatahes mehed, püüdke möista, sest ega meil kerge pole endaga hakkama saada. See on täiesti idootne! Elu on nii ilus ja siis lambist emotsen ja haletsen ja.. Ma tahaks vähem möelda. Ma ei saa veel yle sellest, et mu s6ber arvas, et ma flirdin temaga. Nii palju asju olen oma peas talle ja ta tydrukule öelnud. Tahaks seda lihtsalt välja saada endast. Nüüd olen hakanud endale sisendama, et ega mina selle pärast halvem pole. Nemad tegid end lolliks.


Kui sa ei saa tähelepanu sellelt, kes seda sulle andma peaks, otsid seda mujalt. You can call it cheating. Blame or understand?


Elu oleks nii imeline, kui saaks näha sisemiselt ilusaid inimesi väliselt ilusana ja kohutavaid inimesi väliselt koledana nagu ühes filmis. Või ehk ikka on võimalik... et näha nii, tuleks enne inimest tundma õppida, sest tegelikult head inimesed ongi ilusad ja halb inimene pole elusees atraktiivne. Kui ainult õigesti vaadata oskad. Hilistel tundidel muutume filosoofideks :D

I have happy feet, biatch!

Mina, Triin ja Anx Uppsalas laupäeva õhtul. It means business! Tantsimine algas juba bussis. No mõelge ise.. Uppsalasse on kuskil tunniajane bussisõit, why to waste happy-time? Meil polnud mingeid konkreetseid plaane. Aint eesmärk oli kindel - be twisted and have fun! Pärast Mac'is juustuburgerite ja muu jamaga rannahooajaks valmistumist läksime Uppsala gettosse, Gottsundasse. Tants ja laul ei lõppe eal. Mingid bitchinäod jõllitasid meid nagu me puudega oleks, sest on ju ilmselge, et inimene peab olema vaoshoitud ja kammitsetud, muidu on ta friik. BIATCHES. Meil oli ikka lõbus. Mingi pomps istus meie kõrvale (buss oli täis, seega arusaadav). Ühiskond on kujundanud pompside vastu teatud hoiaku. Kurat, nad on ka inimesed! Ja see pomps oli veel eriti tore. Laulis ja tantsis kaasa. Nii armas onu. Meil polnud õrna aimugi, kus maha pidime minema. Buss juba pööras ümber ja hakkas tagasi sõitma. Geeniused. Imekombel we hit the spot. Ootasime oma niggerit. Või pigem Anxu niggerit. Deem, see tüüp oli naljakas. Ma ei saanud poolest jutust aru, mis ta rääkis. Nagu üks vaikne jorin tuli ta suust. Korteris, kuhu läksime, olime varem ka olnud. Selle omanik on Chrisi nõbu, seega no worries. Rootsi keeles on sõna 'softa' , mis tähendab vaikset, rahulikku hängimist. See seal toimuski. Üks äge chiili tüdruk oli ja tema pärast oleks oodanud, kuna inimesed hoo sisse saavad, aga... viimane linnaliini buss sõitis tagasi kesklinna keskköö paiku ja ei maksnud riskima hakata sellest maha jäämisega. Üks nigger tuli meiega. Ta nimi oli Backs vms. Hea meelde jätta :D Jumalast normaalne tüüp oli, aga kui ma küsisin, kas ta on pilves ja ta vastas ei ja ma ütlesin, et ta otsa vaataks... ta vist sai kurjaks. Meil ikka savi, kas ta tõmbab või mitte. Purjus inimesed on küll vastu mulle, aga pilvetüübid ajavad vähemalt normaalset juttu ja on üldse okeid. Igatahes ta läks oma teed :D Moss moss. Hahh, see oli naljakas, kui ta küsis, et kuhu me minna tahame ja ma ütlesin, et mina pean vetsu saama. Ta küsis, et mis ma seal teen. Ma ei osanud muud teha kui naerda. Mida ikka vetsus tehakse. Ta arvas, et ma tahan sinna, et midagi tõmmata vms. Weird, right.
Teine käik Mac'i. Rannavorm vaja kätte saada. Mulle meeldib nende tüdrukutega koos olla. Pole mingid pulk tagumikus, selg sirge, inimesed. Mu lemmik koristajaonu oli tööl. Appike, kui chill ta on. Alati nii rõõmus ja hea.
Jõe ääres tants, bussijaamas tants, bussis tants. Unstopable. Bussis oli väike jama. Me istusime kõige taga, et me teisi ei häiriks oma ülevoolava tujuga. Me ei olnud lärmakad ega midagi. Just dance. Aga mõni hakkas ütlema midagi. Vist mitte paha pärast. Igatahes mu õeke, kes ajas taaskord kellegagi juttu (ta on supersõbralik no!) kuulis et mingi jama käis ja oii, kus ta läks leili :D Deam! Tüübid kukkusid vabandama. "I just don't understand how can you have that much energy." Ja pärast, kui bussist välja läksid "You three are amazing!".

Mind nii nii häirib, kui inimesed näpuga näitavad. Ma ei häiri kedagi, lihtsalt tunnen end vabalt. Mis see nende perset sügab, mida ma teen. Jesstas nagu oleks seksinud avalikus kohas või midagi. Siuksed pilgud. Miks peab olema loid ja emotsioonitu? Huhh. Sel õhtul mul sai tõesti rootslastest villand. Eriti tüdrukud. Mulle on jätnud rootsi tüdrukud väga kergemeelse mulje endast. Muide päris paljud arvavad, et rootsi tüdrukud on suuremalt jaolt lõdva püksikummiga. Ja siis nad veel julgevad tulla arvustama. Ajab kopsu üle maksa. I'm dancing 'cause I have happy feet, biatch!!!!!!!

Ja teine paha kogemus rootslastega. See sõber, kelle juures ma käsin hakkas sego panema. Üks õhtu käisin seal. Ta veel kutsus. Jumalast tore oli. Aint et vahepeal läks imelikuks, kui ta hakkas rääkima, et tal flashback sellest, mis juhtus kui ta viimati tüdrukuga kahekesi oli... Akward. Ma teadsin, et ta on lihtsalt liimist oma suhte pärast ja sellepärast siuke imelik. Rääkisin hästi palju oma Chrisist ja tema naiskast ja lapsest, et tal mõttet tobedate asjade pealt ära läheks. Pilgust oli aru saada, et ta kuulis aga ei kuulanud, et ta oli oma flashbackis. Mõne aja pärast õnneks läks normaalseks tagasi. Siis nüüd vahepeal oleme lihtsalt suhelnud ja pühapäeva hommikul tuli nagu välk selgest taevast mulle kiri facebooki. Sisu oli umbes selline, et "Kas sa flirdid minuga? Kui, siis sa peaksid lõpetama, sest mulle ja mu tüdruksõbrale see ei meeldi.". Ma hakkasin nutma. Türbel, kui ajuvaba. Ja veel siukeste debiilikute pärast nutta. See tüüp oli nagu vanema venna figuur. Vaatasin üles talle. Ja siis ütleb midagi sellist. See tõmbab tõesti tuju alla. No mida fakki?? Ma olen liiga naiivne. Tuli tahtmine lõpetada igasugune suhtlus meessoost isikutega. On dickhead. Mis seal ikka. Elu näitab, et kõik tuleb ringiga tagasi. Palju õnne bastard sind ees ootava s*tahunniku eest. Ah, mul ükskõik. Minu elu on endiselt hea. Tema jäi ilma faking heast sõbrast. Mina aga hoian kinni nendest mõnest heast kes olid on ja jäävad. Vot nii. Peace!

I still love my life

Leidsin midagi supernunnut, mille olemasolu olin unustanud. Ühe hea sõbra kirjutatud mulle pühendatud laul. Jep, olen friking uhke :D
 
So there's this girl I know,
that I met on facebook not so long ago
she's got dark eyes and red lips that must drive
all the boys wild.
I imagine they're all over her
From cobra's to kangaroos
She's got them in her very own zoo(animal
planet is on the tv so work with me)..

Yes she's a zookeeper, an equal lover.
There are no favourites on her list,
so if i may, I'd like to make a wish,
that if i turn into a frog for her
she'd release me with a kiss

Oh
yes its her cautious smile and quick wit,
that must drive all the boys wild.
I've seen them all over her,
In China and Estonia too,
she's got them in her very own zoo
Yes she's a zookeeper, an equal lover,
her heart belongs to each and every one,
and I would compete for her attention,
but I know, such devotion, would only build up the tension
between I and her



before I finish this song I must admit.
that this is no fun, no walk in the park.
To know there's little hope on such an obvious spark
But its all worth the risk to me,
to know another day
and get familar with her adorable ways!


Kiire käik Eestis tehtud. Viisa on passis! Turvakontrolli inimesed olid supervinged. Muljed Eestist? Oeh, elu oleks ilus, kui aint eesti keelt Eestis kuuleks, aga need friking sibulad, kes aru ei saa kus riigis nad on. Nägin ühte osa eesti tippmodellidest. APPPPPPPPI, KUI HALE. See on lausa piinlik, mis ajukääbikud seal on. Ma ei tea, kas kõik, aga suur enamus. Kui välimust on, siis aju ei pea olema ju. Ja siis see üks vene tüdruk, kes eesti keelt ei osanud ütles, et ta elab Narvas ja tal pole huvi ega vajadust olnud, et eesti keelt õppida. KUS KURADI RIIGIS SA OLED IDIKAS?? MINE OMA VENEMAALE, TROPP! Ma olen kuri. Nii kuri! Sibulad ajavad mu ropendama. Sellised sõnad tulevad mu suust, et ise ka ei usu, et ma neid ütlen. Ma ei tahaks olla rassist, aga ma tõepoolest ei salli neid... Võib-olla on mu sallimatus isa elukaaslase suhtes lihtsalt nii tugev, et kõik venkud tuletavad mulle natuke teda meelde ja siis automaatselt ei meeldi ka teised "liigikaaslased mulle. Vahepeal mõtlen, et paras oleks, kui Narva läheks Venemaa alla. Nautigu oma sibulaelu siis. Oeh! Sinine lauvärv ja punased huuled. Sädelevad litritega riided. Õõõh! Vähemalt tean ühte venelast, kes mulle väga väga meeldib.
Üks asi, mis mind veel hullult häiris oli üks rahvahääletus Tallinnas. "Tulge hääletage tasuta ühistranspordi poolt". Kõigepealt raiskavad raha sellise idiootse küsitluse peale, mille vastus on ju ilmselge. Arvata on, et inimesed tahavad tasuta ühistransporti. Ja siis mille arvelt seda rahastama hakatakse? Naeruväärne, kui paigast ära asjad on. Isegi uudised on nii mõttetud, ebaolulised. Jah, mulle meeldivad mu inimesed, eestlased. Jah, mulle meeldib mu maa, Eesti loodus. Mulle meeldib see tunne, kui ma olen seal. Mõistmine. They just get me. See lihtsus. Nii hea! Aga ma olen 99% kindel, et ma ei ela Eestis ka kaugemas tulevikus. Ma lihtsalt ei taha. Mul on kergem mujal. Peaaegu 9 kuud Rootsis on möödas. Ma pole mitte kunagi olnud õnnelikum ja rahulolevam. See on kodu. Kõik on nii oma. Ma tunnen juba inimesi mu pisikeses linnakeses. Vanainimesed on sõbralikud. Poemüüjad on viisakad ja heatujulised. VENEKEELT EI KUULE PEAAEGU KUNAGI. Palk on mitu korda suurem, kui mul Eestis oli. Sotsiaalelu on ka juba suht sama, mis Eestis. Ma olen rahul endaga. Rootsi keele õpingud saavad varsti läbi ja siis saab ülikooli minna. Elame näeme.
Kahe kuu pärast teen minekut. No fear, just very excited. Ja ma pole kurb, kuigi maha jääb palju, MA TULEN JU TAGASI! Kõik räägivad mulle mingist mehe leidmisest USAs ja et kui ma sinna saan, siis nagunii jään kauemaks kui aasta. Jah, kõik on võimalik, aga mu eesmärk pole armastuse leidmine. See on mul olemas juba. Ja ma ei usu, et ma tahaks USAs elama hakata. Ma pole ennustaja, seega eks näis, mis saab. Õnnelik praegu ja õnnelik tulevikus.

KRISTINE LAURITS, MU LEMMIK TÜDRUK

Palju õnne kallis! Ja ära karda, et su esimene number on 2, mitte enam 1 ja et sa pole enam teen. 20 on friking lahe! Pealegi ega midagi enam ei muutunud ka. Tasuta hambaravi kadus juba 2 aastat tagasi. :D Ma armastan sind! Loodan, et su päev on supervinge, mu Cherry.

Wisdom grows with the time. I see life in a different way. Love is different. And I can say that even better. No foolish hopes. Everything's so real. That makes me feel secure and strong.

Why on earth I'm writing in english when I and everybody who's reading are estonians? Enough of that bullshabadabait. Eesti keele aeg. Kui sa oled kellegi heaga siis aeg saab tiivad. Ei tasu kurb olla, sest see hea mis on ei saa veel nii pea otsa. Ja see tõesti on hea. Ma vaatan kõrvalt teiste suhteid. Esiteks Ronni ja Sammi Jearsy Shore'ist (ei naera! Mulle päriselt ka meeldib see, vaatamata selle, kui mõttetu ta on), siis mu sõprade suhted, mu vanemate suhted, mu enda eelmised suhted... nii palju lolle vigu. Peamiselt liigne armukadedus. Täiesti okei on olla armukade. Jesstas, ma muutusin armukadedaks juba siis, kui Chris nägi oma sõbrannat üle pika aja ja rääkis temaga natuke. Aga otse loomulikult ei teinud ma sellest suurt numbrit. Kahjuks paljud oma suhetes teevad. See pole enam armukadedus, see on usalduse puudumine. Pidev näägutamine, minevikus tehtud vigade ette heitmine. Siis tekib tahtmine teha midagi, et seda jama ära teenida. Petmine. Tülitsemine. Lõpuks kumbki ei saa aru, miks nad üldse koos on. Cut the crap! Mina armastan sind, sina mind, milles probleem?????? Lihtsalt ole tänulik, et ta sul on. Mina olen tänulik. Kui aasta USAs midagi muudab, siis järelikult peab nii minema, aga hetkel olen ma päris kindel, et võiks temaga olla pikemas perspektiivis. You know lapsed ja asjad.. kauges tulevikus :D

Käisin sõbral külas, kellel on jama oma naisega. Trust issues. Neil on supernunnu laps ja kena kodu. Kõik oleks super.. Naine on kuskil ära lapsega paariks nädalaks ja nii ma seal istusin sõbra sassis korteris. Sassis on muugi, kui korter. Inside-out. Ta isegi ei öelnud oma naiskale, et ma temaga kahekesi õhtusel ajal. Ilmselge ju, et üks N ja üks M home alone tähendab midagi seksuaalset. Chris sai ka way too armukadedaks ja pani toru hargile kui ütlesin talle, et sõbra juures olen, aga ta vähemalt sai aru, et see oli temast rumal. Nagu ta ütles, on see mu oma viga, kui ma midagi rumalat teen ja temast ilma jään. "You don't wanna loose this hot guy.". Hahha, deam right! :D Enesekindlust peab olema.

Miks on nii, et peaagu iga söök, mis ma talle teen, kukub jamasti välja? See on lihtsalt uskumatu. Tegin kolme-šokolaadi-muffineid, mis oleks pidanud ülisupernämmad tulema, aga mul õnnestus need ära kõrvetada. Mina, the muffin master. No mida??


Mu sotsiaalelu on elavnenud. Terve see nädal on sõpru täis olnud. Kõigepealt üks liibüa tüdruk mu koolist, kes tahtis mu sõbraks hakata. Täpselt sama lihtsalt nagu väikestel lastel käib. "Hakkame sõpradeks?" "Okei.". Mul on kahju, et tal pole eriti sõpru ja et tal igav on, aga ma ei tunne end mugavalt tema seltsis. Kui inimene pool tundi jaurab ja meelitab sind endale külla ja sa hakkad otsima rida vabandusi, miks sa minna ei saa ja lõpuks tunned end nagu idikana, et ei julge otse välja öelda, et sa EI TAHA MINNA. Ma olen lihtsalt harjunud, et kui eestlasele ütled korra ei, siis üldjuhul ei hakka ta jaurama ja jamama nagu viieaastane.

Siis see prantslane koolist, keda ma eelnevalt stalkeriks olen nimetanud. Ta on õppinud rootsi keelt piisavalt, et suhelda minuga (ma ei mõtle, et minu pärast õppis vaid seda, et enne ei rääkinud ta ühise keele puudumise tõttu vaid tegi ta ränka pilgumängu). Ta hääl on nii gei. "Ma rääkisin oma elukaaslasega ja sa võiksid meie peole tulla. Sinna tulevad mõned sõbrad, prantslased Uppsalast..." jne. Ma tahaks teada, mida ta oma naiskale ütles. Ma poleks üldse üllatunud, kui nad oleksid huvitatud väiksest threesome'st.. ja see pidu on mingi orgia. Võib-olla olen mina see imelik ja paranoiline, kui arvan, et selline jõllitamine väga ei kõlba. Ehk on see muu maailma suhtes normaalne. Või no, prantslaste suhtes normaalne. Igatahes see rahvus tundub dirty-minded ja puht pervo. MINA ORGIALE EI LÄHE :D

Mu kodukandi aafriklased. Nemad on juba väga meeltmööda. Nina, ta mees ja nende 2 beebit. Nii mõnus on ette teatamata külla minna. Nagu siis, kui ma väike olin. Igatahes nädala 3 esimest päeva olen oma aega nendega sisustanud. Aafriklaste kehakuju on võrratu. Ükskõik, kui kopsakad või kleenukesed, ikka näevad head välja. Mitte kleenukesed mehed aint. KÕHNAD MEHED ON JUBEDAD!

Tänu inimestele mu ümbed on mu enesehinnang palju palju parem, kui varem. Te ei kujuta ette ka, kui väga inimestele, kellel on pruun silmavärv (aafriklased, araablased........) meeldivad teist värvi silmad. Obsessed! Kui ma varem mõtlesin värviliste läätsede peale, siis nüüd FORGET ABOUT IT! Kehaga olen lõpuks ometi rahul. Televisioon, ajakirjad loovad idiootse iluideaali - 2 konti ja kusehais nagu mu vanaisa ütleb. Robustselt öeldud aga tõsi. Tagajärjeks on söömishäired, mis häbi tunnistada, aga ka mind piinasid 4-5 aastat. Parem vaadake neid imelisi naisi...

 Üks, mis mind veel häirib on vale arusaam seksikusest. Paljasta oma keha palju tahad, tee pornostaari näoilmeid ja ainus mis saavutad on see, et YOU LOOK FRIKING RIDICULOUS. "Tule maga mu peal, olen avalik madrats.". Good luck! Pange google otsingusse "sexy". No ma ei tea... mu arust on see veits odav. Silikontissid ja muu.. Väkk! Vaatasin saadet "Ilu otsinguil", kus külastati erineva kultuuriga maid, et uurida nende arusaama ilust. Maroko naised olid üleni kaetud. Ainult silmad paistsid. "It felt really good, that guys instead of watching my boobs or ass, looked me in to eyes," ütles üks saates olnu. Ilu ja seksikus pilgus. Ilu ja seksikus iseloomus. Ilu ja seksikus intelligentsuses. By the way, Megan Fox on 100% seksapiilne.

My heaven on earth

My mind is taken over. I feel kind of stupid always thinking about you. Like I don't have anything else to do.. But I can't help it. I'm like 13 year old girl who has found her first love. Weird that just 6 months ago I couldn't believe we could ever be like this. Now I'm so in love that it makes me sick. It's like a cup of tea with dozen spoonfuls of sugar. So sweet. Too sweet. But also so right. Never been that crazy about someone. I barely recognize myself. I'm addicted. How can it be so perfect? You're everything I've ever wanted. I trust you. I adore you. Your music, your life experiences, your past, your personality... You amaze me. Yes, I'm going far away for far too long and I know that things can change, but if it's still the same when I return, then it proves I'm right about us. Anyway I believe in us. I may go, but I'm never gone. I see you in my future.

Nightmare, emotions, assurance

I saw the most disturbing dream the other day. I woke up and I felt sick about it. There was a pretty girl with straight brown long hair and brown eyes. And I made out with her. And I had a penis (just for a moment. Things appears and disappears in dreams). I was kind of turned on, but still felt disgusted while doing it. She was into me. And after that I saw my bf. He thought I made out with a guy. I tell you friends, he's clear-sighted even in real life! And I told him that I didn't. The girl was sitting on the other side of table. I kissed his face and tried to calm him down meanwhile feeling guilt that was killing me inside. And with the same guilt I woke up. Felt like I really did it. So sick. So gross.


I'm not a good gf. I make my guy sad on Valentine's Day. But it was need to be said. And by it I mean going to USA. Now I can say it out here. More than a year ago I decided to be and Au Pair there. And now I finally have a match family. They are really perfect for me. Only the timing is so wrong. But I want this. I know it's right.


He is truly amazing. The fact I'm going doesn't mean I don't love him. Good things will last no matter what. And we have not only a good thing, we have a GREAT thing. Once I sat down with my best friend and we both made "List of a magic man". I found it and guess what? My guy is 10 from 10. Unbelievable. You find what you want when you're not looking. Everliving, everfaithful, eversure.
Tim Minchin has killing lyrics in "If I didn't have you":
And I'm not underevaluating what weve got
when i say that giving the role of chaos inevitably plays in the imperatively flawed notion of fate, its obstruse to deduse that i found my soulmate at the age of seventeen. its just mathematically unlikely that in a university in Perth I happenned to stumble on the one girl on earth
The whole song is so right. I know that there's more than just one. I know.. But I can say with no doubts that I "stumbled on" the right one. I don't wanna try out others. I have the perfect one right now. I'm not "blinded by the sun". I can see clearly. After many months I can finally see that this really is the right thing. This really is something to have and keep and appreciate. Unbelievable trust. I feel special. We are special.

He who amazed me

I watched a video on youtube seconds ago and I just have to share it.

It makes me wanna know him. Isn't he amazing? His obviously poor, but not even a bit bitter. What an inspiration. Part of me wants that he get famous and starts earning lot of money, but the other part is scared that he may lose that special beauty in him, 'cause money often change people. Hope he will not change and that he has the life he deserves. Hope he don't ever have to worry about where to sleep or what to eat. You can tell that the voice comes right from his heart. He gives higher meaning to the word MUSIC. Incredible how much love you can get from music.

The Good Continues

The prise for getting what I want is letting go of something I didn't know I wanted SO BAD. That's the way life is. No easy ways. But I'm sure it's good for something. I wonder how's life next year the same time. Exciting.


Went to some gay-lesbian thing with my sis. "We don't die, we multiply". In may is going to take place Uppsala Pride and they need help to arrange things. They talked only swedish. I really tried to consentrate on what they where saying, but the attractions... I looked the people and my thoughts flew away.
My sis is AMAZING. Love her. Had a blast with her.


Positivity attracts positivity. I'm gonna start working more soon, which means more money for my future plans. AWESOME! About week ago I got money and that's just indescribable how good it feels to be able to buy things yourself. Independence. I have earned money since I was 11-years old but it was just summer-jobs and the wage was terribly low. It's undefineable how glad I am about how life have changed for me and my family. From counting coins till this. I'm greatful. My guy is amazing. Not perfect but unique. Worth having and keeping. And my future plans.... So much great thigs going on.


Mr Stalker talked. I thought only thing he's able to do is stare. But no, he suprised me. With a girly voice. Nice!

Something good for ears.

The universe is on my side

Getting what you want is SO GOOD! My life get's better and better. I'm happy :) And I know that it's all so right for me. 100% sure I'm making the right decisions.


MY AFRICAN GIRL IS BACK IN SCHOOL. After school I went to her and saw her little baby girl (almost 1 month old) and son (19 months). I fell in love. They were so unbelievably cute. After 5 or more years I'm gonna get one myself. Nina cooked superdelicious african food. Her boyfriend said that estonian girls are the prettiest. Hahha, worldwide truth :D

I LOVE LIFE

Listen it! So good song!



Dalai Lama test

I did some Dalai Lama personality test (it's in estonian, but if you google, I'm sure you'll find it in english too)  and I had a good good laugh. Here am I according to the test:

 

List starting from the most important:

1. PRIDE
2. FAMILY
3. LOVE
4. CAREER
5. MONEY

I am FAITHFUL

My enemy is NASTY ( I'd feel sorry for myself if I had an enemy)

My life is BEAUTIFUL ( no doubts)

My partner is HAIRY (doubtful)

My attitude to sex is BITTER ( :D kind of)



I'm never gonna forget Chris

My true love is Cherry (you know I love you girl :D )

I'll always remember my mom

My true friend is my dad

My soulmate is Akshay


On some Friday I'm gonna meet someone, 'cause I wished it even though I didin't send that test to 5 persons :D It's just gonna happen...

My good good world

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. Went to school today. In bus-station was a guy with his girlfriend and the guy was staring at me. And he sat next to me. Like on the other row, not exactly next to. His gf sat with him and he still didn't stop staring. It was actually funny. Like retarded. Then turned out he goes in the same school. Marlvellous! At least not in same class. I'm not saying it was totally gross. Guess I looked good. I felt hot and probably the heat catched others :D


My favorite guy is back in school. He started with me, but then disappeared. Now he's back and I'm happy. He's one of the 2 persons I always can talk english. The other one is my AMAZING AFRICAN GIRL. She was very pregnant when I last saw her :D But now she probably have delivered. I'm so excited!
It was really sweet to see everybody. And it was even nicer to see my schedule :D 10 classes in  a week. Wednesday is free. Lot of time to work. CLEAN OFFICES! I don't know why should I be ashamed and not happy. First of all that work fell into my hands. And of course I took it. "No, I don't do that kind of job. It's too low for me.". Seriously?... work is work and yes I'm happy to at least have one. And isn't that HAPPY all that life should be? I'm not saying I'm gonna be cleaner for the rest of my life. Now I'm gonna say something that makes me look pretty stupid :D The money I would get as unemployment benefit would be much more than my wage. I only work 12 hours in a week so yeah.. But it's going to change. I'm not a loser, I can earn my own money. And I'm not a whining bitch. Happy for things I have and things I don't have... I feel sorry for them for not having ME :D


I've been rocking my body with http://www.bodyrock.tv/ and by summer, I'm gonna look amazing. I really suggest to try it out, cause it works. After a bit more than a week my body has already changed a bit. Love it! And the energy and positivity what I get from the videos and workouts is awesome. About 15 minutes training and I'm 400g lighter. What you think about that, huh? Muscles burns calories.



Crazy about chocolate... :D:D About 3 months and it's still going on. Didn't know I had that constancy and commitment left... Doubts and hesitations fight with sureness. But I know, what I have is greater than ever.