Nightmare, emotions, assurance

I saw the most disturbing dream the other day. I woke up and I felt sick about it. There was a pretty girl with straight brown long hair and brown eyes. And I made out with her. And I had a penis (just for a moment. Things appears and disappears in dreams). I was kind of turned on, but still felt disgusted while doing it. She was into me. And after that I saw my bf. He thought I made out with a guy. I tell you friends, he's clear-sighted even in real life! And I told him that I didn't. The girl was sitting on the other side of table. I kissed his face and tried to calm him down meanwhile feeling guilt that was killing me inside. And with the same guilt I woke up. Felt like I really did it. So sick. So gross.


I'm not a good gf. I make my guy sad on Valentine's Day. But it was need to be said. And by it I mean going to USA. Now I can say it out here. More than a year ago I decided to be and Au Pair there. And now I finally have a match family. They are really perfect for me. Only the timing is so wrong. But I want this. I know it's right.


He is truly amazing. The fact I'm going doesn't mean I don't love him. Good things will last no matter what. And we have not only a good thing, we have a GREAT thing. Once I sat down with my best friend and we both made "List of a magic man". I found it and guess what? My guy is 10 from 10. Unbelievable. You find what you want when you're not looking. Everliving, everfaithful, eversure.
Tim Minchin has killing lyrics in "If I didn't have you":
And I'm not underevaluating what weve got
when i say that giving the role of chaos inevitably plays in the imperatively flawed notion of fate, its obstruse to deduse that i found my soulmate at the age of seventeen. its just mathematically unlikely that in a university in Perth I happenned to stumble on the one girl on earth
The whole song is so right. I know that there's more than just one. I know.. But I can say with no doubts that I "stumbled on" the right one. I don't wanna try out others. I have the perfect one right now. I'm not "blinded by the sun". I can see clearly. After many months I can finally see that this really is the right thing. This really is something to have and keep and appreciate. Unbelievable trust. I feel special. We are special.