Cause the guilt is eating me inside

Around the end of January I started to talk with my USA host family. Gosh, how excited I was. Glowing and stuff. The family is so cute and the kids.. 2 girls, one is 3 and the other is 5. My phone is full of their pictures. Some kind of being in love.

About 1 month ago I got a visa. Then 2 weeks ago I went back to my homeland to do final driving exam, get criminal record and some healt evaluation thing. A lot of headache. I strongly reccomend to keep your vaccin pass in a safe place. You can't even imagine how important that can be. Anyway the end of the day I didn't have anything I came for. I'm allowed to get new driving licence not before 11th January (which means I have to get it through the Internet while I'm in USA). I didn't get criminal record also. They said I can do it only through Internet. Ok, I orderd it and got an e-mail when I was back in Sweden, that I can go and check it out. Everything would have been status quo if I would have find any ID-card reader in Sweden. I went to banks, library, school, but nothing. Most people even didn't know what that is. Then the health whatever thing is not done either. I didn't know I needed vaccin pass. Unbelievable that my doctor didn't have my information about vaccins. By the time I managed to get the vaccin pass, I had to already go back to Sweden. Which means I should go back to my homeland. But I knew it's all worth it. I have wanted this for a long time. The other problem is money. Being an Au Pair in USA isn't that cheap. Insurances and program fee and few other stuff costs together about 1100 euros and I earn in a month about 600 euros. I would have had that money long time ago if I wouldn't have spend that much money. Pluss trips to Estonia and visa costed almost 300 euros. Another headache.

About month ago offered a family in France a babysitter job. Awesome offer. I would have been in Europe and able to visit my family, friends and Chris. I said no to that offer. That USA family was already in my heart. I told my dad about that offer and he said I should go there. I only got mad on him. I already had a family in USA. "How the children would feel when I decide not to go to there? Like "Hey guys, I found another family, I'm not gonna come to you."". I could never do that to my USA family.

When I was in Estonia, I thought about how things gonna go when something happens with me? Like if I get hit by a car and die or sth. Wanna know what I was worried about if that happend? I was worring about if the USA family gets to know that. If the Au Pair agancy would find out why I don't answer the e-mails and phone calls. I worry about weird things, right. But I really don't want the kids and parents think that I don't want their family or something. That's how much I care about them.

Leaving home is also not that easy. Hearts broken and stuff.

So a week ago told my teacher that a family near my area (about 10 km from my home) would like to have an Au Pair in August. I was like damn! Why those offers comes now? I started to think "What if...?" thoughts. I came up with so many positive aspects why staying in Sweden is better. I would have good swedish practice. I could keep the cleaning job (I do itt only 2 times in a week from 4pm-10pm). So I'd earn a lot. I could pay rent to my mom. Her life would get easier. I wouldn't have to leave my guy. I'd be in Europe. Oh, and I'd keep paying taxes, so after 1 and a half year I would have rights for swedish pension :D When few months ago I thought that Sweden isn't that country I wanna live in, than now I think I would still like to live here. After I came back from my last Estonia-trip, I felt so good to be back HOME. That's what it is. Besides, it's a really good country to live and build a family (I'm gonna do it eventually :D). So it would be reasonable to settle down here for good and not to run around the world. I felt guilty to think those thoughts (USA family...) like I felt guilty being so excited and happy about going to USA (boyfriend..). The more I thought about things, the more I wanted to stay in Sweden. I talked about it with so many people. I decided to cancel my Au Pair year in USA. Now I have said it to the Au Pair agency. Paid the cancellation fee. I wrote a letter to my USA family. The hardest thing ever. I couldn't klick "send" for a long time. I keep thinking about how they feel. Especially the children. Even telling my boyfriend that I'm going to USA for a year wasn't so hard. He's a grown-up, but the girls are so little. I really hope they are not sad. Wish I could do both in the same time: go to USA and stay in Sweden. The older you get, the harder decision you gotta make.



I'm a selfish bastard. I hate what I did. I hate that I change my mind. That I can't stay true to my plans. I'm not gonna forgive it to myself. I'm so sorry, my american girls!!! I did a lot to be able to come there. I even borrowed book that teaches how to raise girls and another book that gives a lot of creative games and activities for children. I wanted to be the best Au Pair ever. They deserve only the best. And than I did this... I don't regret my final decision. Staying in Sweden is good for my future. But it just feels so bad. I'm a jerk.