Another blank bage I filled

Eile sain kokku musta lihamäega, kelle aafrika aktsendi ja turbokiirusel rääkimise tõttu oli põhiline, mida mina ütlesid "Sorry, what did you say?" "Can you repeat?" "Whaaaaaaat?". Jah, häiriv. Alguses ma palusin, et ta kordaks, aga siis ma lihtsalt teesklesin aru saamist. Vaatasime filmi ja siis ta ütles midagi, mis kõlas nagu ta tahaks, et ma oma dressipluusi ära võtaks. Mu näoilme oli kindlasti priceless. Seal oli sitaks külm, ta hoidis rõduust lahti. Ta vist kannab aafrika päikest endas või midagi. Õnneks ta pakkus mulle hoopis suurt patja :D Vot nii segane oli ta jutt.
Bussipeatuses oli üks kodutu. Käi pekki, kuidas ma kartsin! Ma ei tahtnud ta poole vaadata, aga samas ma ei tahtnud teda silmast lasta, sest kui seljaga ta poole olin, siis kujutlesin, kuidas ta vaikselt ligi tuleb ja nuga annab. Super kujutlusvõime. Mul oli tast kahju. Väljas oli jääkülm. Jube mõelda, et mul on soe kodu, voodi, tekk, padi, aga tal need puuduvad. Oeh!

You are close to me
With me

Whenever I imagine you

You're close not far

You are made for me

Only me

I'm always lost in dreams of you

Lost for you

Isn't it so, when you think something will never happen, it eventually happens? I'm so gone right now. He got me gone. I don't want another short trip. I don't know how long this feeling I have will last. I don't even know what to call it. I was so sure, that it wasn't what I want. That sth else is meant for me. Somebody else. I had my plan... I trust destiny. It will led me to the road that is best for me. I'm happy. Even though things are complicated and difficult.. I just love the feeling I have now.
Natasha Bedingfield- Unwritten    I am unwritten. Life isn't a book. You'll never know, 'cause the rest is still unwritten :)

Estonia

I was making myself ready for going out to cinema on Saturday evening, when suddenly my dad send me a message. He wanted to talk with me in Skype. He needed me come to Estonia as soon as possible. So I fixed up with shipticket for Sunday and went to cinema. "Friends with benefits".. Weird funny movie. The end got corny and too cloying. Mila Kunis is sexy!

On the ship it got creepy. I didn't know what to expect. What will it be like to be back. All my friends are away. So I was a bit scared. Problems? Maybe. I didn't want to just sit in my cab, cause I would have fall asleep there or think bad thoughts and freak myself out for no reason. So I went to "cinema". The screen was quite small and movie("Super 8") was one of the lamest. Waste of time and money. After movie I found my friend. He was funny as hell. Alcohol isn't a good thing.. I hanged out with his friends. In karaoke-bar sang a finish guy a hilarious song. "Miesstrippaaja" ("Manstripper") oh shit!!!!!!! He sang it much much better. And the dance moves...
Last place we went was club. Noone danced there. Then the craziest guy went there and owned it :D Man, wish I had film that. He was loco!! Never seen anything like this. Everybody went to the dance floor and I followed them eventually. Hate club music! I can stand only few songs, but it really isn't the music that turns me on and makes me wanna move my body. Well, my company was good, so why not. Dancefloor is the best way to meet ppl. Turned out, that there was ppl from all over the world. Like it! My night ended chating with a guy who was from Switzerland(?). I was pretty sure he's gay. Good that I didn't ask, 'cause he wasn't. Would have been really akward. Sometimes it's good to talk with total strangers. Especially when u have same point of views.

I saw only 1 friend during my short time in Estonia and even that was accidentally. She almost started to cry when she saw me. Turns out that she's coming to Uppsala soon. I got sth to look forward to.
I saw the little girl I was babysitting when I lived in Estonia. I think she remembered me :) Now she talks a bit and understands much more.


Now I'm back and enjoying the last day, 'cause it's the end of the world after all. At least that's what Harold Campingi saied. He knows the best for sure. 200 million christians go to heaven and others gonna suffer here on earth or sth. Seriously? Like those who don't believe, are all bad ppl? And what the hell.. "The end of the world". BULLSHIT! Ok, some ppl think that the world is gonna end. Think whatever u want, but please shut ur mouth and keep ur stupid thoughts to urself. Some may believe what those ppl say and do sth bad. No worries, my friends. Cheers to the fucking end! See ya tomorrow!

Still waiting that happen. 1h and 43min left :D

Songs for today: Jah Cure- Never find and P Square- No one like you

I met a friend when I was going on a bus in the morning. She told me some things that opened my mind. I got so many good things around me. Just gotta let go of things that aren't worth holding on to. Everything falls in the right place. I'm blessed. Sometimes I wish I was a believer, so I could thank somebody for the luck. I'm so grateful! The best thing is that I'm finally happy about myself. How I look, how I act.. nothing bothers me. I am who I am and I feel that I'm good.

Every now and then I think about what could I wish for. I'd like to have better voice and dancing skills. Then I thought, what if really had it? Have you seen the movie "Bedazzled" where guy gets 10 wishes and after every wish, something else goes wrong. He likes a girl. He wishes to be handsome, successive, funny.. everything to impress the girl. What he gets? The girl really likes him, but then it turns out that he's gay. He wishes to be more sensitive and what he gets? He's so sensitive that the girl can't handle it and she goes away with a crook. He wants to be a famous basketballer and boom, he's awesome player but he's manly honour was too tiny to do things... You can't be perfect. Fuck perfection! So, if I'd really had fierce singing and dancing skills, I wouldn't have some other quality I have now.

Tears on ma pillow 'cause your love is wicked
Cry me a river 'cause your love is wicked

Life, u're so damn wicked!

When I want to stay away from guys, they keep coming around. It's getting really weird. I gotta stay stick to my plan and do my thing, but I'm a friking human! I don't wanna hurt nobody, but I know, that if I settle down now or sth, I will. I got my plan. I got my dreams. I gotta do some things alone first. I gotta be by myself. But that damn life just sends guys on my way. I'm not a player and I will never be one. If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off, right? Actually it's not sucking that bad. And I won't slip off my road. Yesterday night I felt like shit! I wasn't planing to do a suicide, I appreciate life too much, but I still felt really bad. Self destruction, baby! Now it's the perfect time to be sick. Would be awesome to have high fever. I'm jealous of my lil bro. He's been sick for 3 days now. Gosh, he's cute, when he's sick. Other times too, but now he is especially adoreable. Anyway in the morning I had the same shitty feeling. Then Hoda (sweet arabic woman from my school) asked how I'm doing and huged me, when I said that not good. We went to bowling with school. Another sweet girl talked with me. Snoopy, from Thailand. Snoopy wanted to play with me. I'm not ignored, for sure :) Ppl should stop saying shit about SFI (the school I'm going in). The pupil are nice, teachers are friendly. Becides I'm actually learning there sth! I really don't like when ppl make fun of it. They don't really know how is it here. Like they're really learning more in their school. Bullshit! I love SFI, so whatever others say.


Everyday is a constant battle between what's wrong and right. I just wanna live my life.


After school I couldn't feel any better. The stupid smile on my face just didn't go away. I rememered that I'm actually doing good. Ppl like me, I like them. Warm smiling faces is the best cure. I break easily, but I also heal easily. Don't need much. I got it good, for now..

One more thing. I got pretty high self-respect (not good). Maybe that's why I have high expectations on ppl. But come on! Don't expect to get all of me, when u're not giving back much. Don't wanna care about ppl, who doesn't care that much about me, 'cause when I give, I give all. Just trying to stay away from getting hurt.

Feel down

I so don't like guys who only talk about sex and how good I look in a very cheap way. It's really not working. I'm not just a peace of meat, dude. And I despise stupid guys. What else I don't like? Expecting too much from some ppl. The bad part is when they aren't up to my expectations, when they don't care enough even though they should... I wan't all or nothing. Ignorance is the worse! Eventually I stop expecting and hoping. I back off. Sooner or later I'll get over the disappointment by stop caring about the person so much. I won't feel bad anymore, but I won't also ever forget the shitty feeling. So don't suppose to get my everything, when you're giving less. What you give is what you get.

I'm used to look back on good memories or fantasize and daydream when I'm in bed. It keeps me happy. I woke up crazy early today. My free morning and I'm up about 6am. I din't want to get up, so I just laied there. A lot of time for thinking. I suddenly remembered how I slept over somewhere with Cherry. The house was pretty big and the basement was „a mysterious place“ where we weren't allowed to go. We were laying on the bed under the blanket, chatting and all. Then we started to talk about scary stuff. It was dark and painfully quiet. Oh shit, how scared we were. Stupid, I know. Anyway we fall asleep, holding each other's hands. When I woke up, we were still holding hands. Man, I miss my girls! Sleepovers and stuff. Hope you know that I love you.

After rememorizing it, I started to think about other cute things. The more I thought, the better I felt. I'm alive! 

Everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. Life is too short to waste it on people who don't care about you.

Inspiration

"I had this disease called addiction. The shame and the guilt just got to me. This just totally broke me. There is always a chance and there is always a choice. Instead of doing nothing with myself I want my son to see me singing on stages 'cause life is too precious to waste." // Chris Rene

Chris Rene inspires me. He's audition in X Factor USA 2011 was amazing. How the crowd was cheering. I know it meant alot to him to be liked, to be admired. I believe, he can stay away from drugs. U just gotta believe...
Man chooses his own road. At least I feel I'm on right way. Thinking about future makes me so happy. I got a plan and I ain't gonna stop till I get to my destination.

If the door doesn't open, don't wait, use force to knock it down.

Talking swedish makes me glad, 'cause just the fact I can do it after only one and a half month, is awesome! I ain't surely waisting my precious life. Wonderful, how fast I'm moving closer to my goals. I wanna be proud of myself and right now I sure am.




Oh, and by the way, a women asked how to get to the library. Obviously she noticed that I'm not swedish. "Where are u from?". "I'm from Estonia.", "Oh, I thought that from Iceland.". U GOT TO BE KIDDING! I think I should learn about Iceland...

Jah Cure - You deserve the best

I'm doing good in swedish. Only 1 chapter left. Then comes the second book and woorkbook and then IT'S OVER. I'm in halfawy soon.
We were talking about our homelands one day. One girl from Afganistan asked, what language we speak in Estonia. When I answered that estonian, she said "I thought that english.". Then yesterday a girl came to me and asked where am I from. She thought that I'm from UK. Then many times when I had to say where I'm from, ppl have hurd "Iceland" (in swedish Estonia is Estland and Iceland is Island, guess it sounds similar). Other thing that I had to explain is that Estonia is more like Skandinavian countries, not like Russia, Latvia and Lithuania, even though we share landborder(is it a word?) with fist 2 countries.

I'm good in paint :D

Oh school!! Today we were talking about a persian restaurant. A guy told about different foods that was offered there. He didn't know one name of a food in swedish AND OH MY GOSH, u should have seen, how everybody tryed to explain it with their hands. All others exept me and teacher understanded, what food he meant. If I didn't knew that they are talking about a food, I would have guessed that the word they are explaining is "wanking". It was fucking weird to see all class doing weird moves with hands. Laughed myself under the table.
"Du kan om du vill" ("U can, if u want") is a sentece that I hear pretty much every school-day. No pressure. That I really like. I'm gonna do all exercises teachers give me anyway, but it's still good, that they add that sentence "Du kan om du vill". And they always praise us. Jag kan snacka lite svenska redan :) Men jag vill bli bättre. Mycket bättre! Wanna learn some swedish? One cool sentence is "Har du en hund, katten?". It means "Have u a boyfriend, pretty girl?". When I translate it directly, it's "Do you have a dog, pussycat?" :D I really love swedish!


Family dinners drives me crazy! All I can hear is "This is so good and light. Not much fat in it. It's so light!" blablabla. I really don't care that much. I'm not eating junk, so.. What life it is, when u can't even eat normally? Besides, u gotta have some fat on u. Skinni asses aint that pretty. Eat, train and enjoy the life, for god sake. Not eating makes ppl angry. No food can make u fat if u don't eat it too much. Seriously! Eating alone is boring, but those twisted minds.. Crazy food obsession. I don't wanna feel bad when I eat spagetties with bolognese sauce and salad and in the meanwhile eat em grass :D I enjoy the food, they enjoy the lightness. I like my baseball-size bootie :D Yes, I learnd to like myself. Do so too. It's embarrassing, but once I started to cry, when I looked myself in the mirror. WEIRDOOOO! These days are ovaa! I'm beautiful in my way, 'cause God makes no mistakes (I'm not a believer, but still I WAS BORN THIS WAY!).


"Once u go black, there's no turning back." Daddy, if u'd only knew how much I love chocolate :D Now please don't take it wrong, ok? I googled that saying and I saw an explanation from a presumable racist. He/she said "Because once u go black, we don't want u back.". I actually laughed. There are 2 opportunities how stupid things make me act: I'll be angry or I'll laugh about it. "See when whites came to the black areas..blacks weren't forced to accept them..they just did."... And I accept all coulours :)

We're all the same colour when u turn off the lights

I feel much better. He did the right thing and I'm glad even though I'll miss him as hell!! Everything doesn't have to be perfect. To be honest, I think the bad things may not be that bad at all. Eventually it could be even a good thing. The distance doesn't matter. The difficulties doesn't matter. And becides, I'm never alone even when sometimes feels like I am. I have my ppl. Not all the time, but still. I'll never loose my homies. That reminds me CHERRY, GOOD LUCK IN UK! U're crazy, and I love that. And all others: I'm not the type who forgets :)

Give me one good reason I shouldn't be here this evening rubing and squeezing ur troubles away.

Twisted fiction. Sick addiction.

Halfway into destruction
But it's not too late
Too late to make a change

Hate to see someone I care about burning his/her life. Shit, can't u see u got the goods to rock it? Everybody choose their own road, but fuck, try to choose carefully, ok?

See I just want you to know

That you deserve the best

You’re beautiful

You’re beautiful

And I want you to know, 

you’re far from the usual

Far from the usual

I lost him. Can't believe it's really happening. I got used to, that he's always around. I got used to hanging in his place and just killing time. I didn't ever think that I'd be so sad after it stops. No I don't have anybody here anymore. Again. It's unbearable, fucking painful.

Well, I have my sis. She's great! Yesterday night I begd her to be and talk with me. Can't be alone. It drives me crazy.

One more thing. I love black. I'm obsessed. I love their music, I love how they look, how they dance and how they act. Chocolate children :)

Living in your shadow

But yet the sun won't shine your way