Sometimes we are attracted to things that we don't like.

My attempt to fall asleep failed so I decided that it's more reasonable to chill on the computer than to lay down in bed for hours and force myself to fall asleep. Doesn't work AT ALL. I'm so intensed lately. Most of time nervous and anxious which makes me act like a bitch. Don't like it at all. Yesterday I took 2 sleeping pills IN THE MORNING :D Sure, why not. It eases up emotional stuff. It seems like I have problems, but I DON'T! Life is treating me good. And I am happy. Right now even more than other times. With pretty much no reason. There doesn't need to be a reason for feeling bad or feeling good. It's just all what we let us feel. Let the inside world control the outside world. 

Have you discovered a song that you become so addicted that you put it on again and again and again and when you try to listen some other song, the other ones almost disgusts us 'cause it's not the awesome song you wanna listen over again? My addiction is that one:

Listening it makes me so calm and... HAPPY. It's so good to listen it, close my eyes and imagine where I wanna be, what I wanna do and with who. Sometimes imagining things seems so real. Sometimes they are good enough. Like.. I can have all I want without actually having them. Dreaming is good enough.

 I discovered a pretty awesome thing called body rocking. It's a fitness training. Or sth like that. I've done it for few days now and gotta say it works. And doing those exerzises makes me laugh, 'cause I start to think of those teaching videos that looks kind of like porn videos :D Just listen that accent and see "the stuff".

Best thing about new years eve was probably songs my lil bro made. We just got an electrical quitar and he feels himself like a real musician already :D Something from his song that he made for me: "Min syster är kär i Christhopher. Jag undrar hur mycket barn de få. Min syster är den snyggaste tjej." In english it's: "My sister is in love with Christhopher. I wonder how many kids they are going to have. My sister is the hottest girl.". Guess which part I liked the most? Kids, kids, kids!! Please! Maybe my having-kids-nightmares are the reasone I can't fall asleep. Just don't wanna see another one. In my dream-world I must be a skank, 'cause all my dream-kids seems to have different dads. AWESOME! I love kids, but don't wanna have them in so young age.



First time in my life I am a taxpayer! Weird that I'm excited and so happy about it. I clean offices... and toilets:D... which actually isn't that bad at all.  I kind of like my job. I'm getting money :D And people are giving me respect. And I give myself respect.

I guess I love my life...

Happiness is a choice

"Whatever you choose for You is right! You cannot get it wrong. If you have chosen something for You, it is right! You cannot fail. It is impossible for you to fail, because how can you fail at being You? You are the perfection of You, because nobody else can be You. You have got You down pat! Do you appreciate that you are an outstanding and total success at being You, right where you are now? "


www.thesecret.tv is the thing I believe in, 'cause it works. Swear to god. And that David Icke stuff... Just a bulls**t to freak people out. My sister got to know about it and she thinks it's pure true and sees things black and white. "We are actually all slaves. Only few people rules the world." I RULE MY OWN WORLD. It's not healty to believe in that trash. But what I recommend, is The Secret. I don't care if some thinks it's naive or whatever. At least I'm feeling awesome. Happy about the present. Finally.
People who always whine are pathetic. It's stupid to only complain and not to see that life is actually good. Like that man with no hands and arms.

"U see, I would try 100 times to get up and if I fail 100 times.. if I fail and I give up, do u think I'll ever gonna get up? "If he can be happy, why can't others? Happiness is a choice...

WAIT OR CREATE

Guess what it is. First it makes each and one of us become a shopaholic. We also are almost addicted to cleaning, because of it. Then it makes us watch movies, that we have already seen hundred times and listen songs that aren't even our cup of tea. Finally it gives us food pregnancy and get's lost. It's CHRISTMAS!!


Christmas Eve was actually really cool. My lil bro handed out presents. "You can sit on my lap too, if you don't have a poem or song.". Little pal, you wouldn't survive it! Before christmas I made clear if he believes in Santa or not. I had to do it, 'cause he wanted more and more presents. "Santa don't need money. Santa has dwarfs." Well, the real Santa actually needs money.. And I got to know, he's not a believer. He knows exactly where the presents come from, he was just pretending. Sneaky little ones. At the end he bought everybody something (with my money btw :D). When Krista opend the one he got her, he added "I got it for 10 krones from Karlsson.". Hhaha, epic!


The warmest christmas I've ever had. I was so scared that this place gonna turn into Alaska or something. It actually looks like it's getting ready for spring already. Went running the day after christmas and gonna do it again today. Cause I can :D



What I've been feeling for past weeks, is not good at all. Feel like nothing. Sometimes I wanna do bad things, 'cause even the bad is better than nothing. I'm 20 after 5 months and where have I got? nowhere... Yep, I've learned swedish. Yep, I have a job. Yep, I have friends. Yep, I have bf. I have quite everything. I'm still not happy. I'm a big zero. I know swedish, but to get a better job, I gotta learn so many years, that when I finish, I'm kind of old. My crappy job is only on Wednesday and Friday, so I'm not sure if I make enough money to be able to pay a little rent to my mom and still have enough to enjoy life. My really good friends are far. The people I know here aren't that close. My bf.. good but complicated. I don't need men, I need friends. I really miss girl-talk. I wanna be productive. At the moment it feels like I'm more waiting than creating. I wanna make more out of my life, just don't know how. And I'm sick of thinking, that it will all get better in time. Sick of waiting. Time to act.


Yesterday was nice. Some friends came over. My lil bro had also a friend at us. We all danced. Evening ended up with talking about relationships. Even though I didn't tell nothing about mine, it was so what I needed! Girl talk with guys :D Intresting. And they broke my bed :D:D

And who was in Estonia again? I'm like married to Estonia. That damn paperwork. And I may get some serious problems, because of someone else. Nice huh? "You're not gonna live in Estonia anyway, right?". I have no idea what I'm gonna do or where I'm gonna be. Only thing I know is that I'm still not pleased. Everything's good, but it's still not right. I'll make it right.
This year is nearly over. First moments of that year I knew it will be different and awesome. It haven't been that awesome. It has been quite boring. Whine whine and whine :D


One evening in Estonia I went out with my older sis and her friends. One word AWESOME. Things have change. Now she is asking me out with her, but before I was asking (probably commanding) to go out with her. Nice to be older. I used to be and awful kid. It was insane! Even I can't believe it was me. Probably that's why I'm so calm now. I had my days..


I'm back home now. Paranoid, confused, dissappointed but still kind of happy. Yesterday I went to my friend's scool, which is my sweetie's old school btw. Met some awesome ppl. Everybody stares the new face...
People was in groups. Black guys hanged out with black guys, black girls hanged out with black girls, arabic guys hanged out with arabic guys and Muji (my friend) was hanging out with all types of girls :D
I talked a lot of swedish. It's easier to speak with foreigners, cause they understand better. One day I won't have that weird accent. That day would be GREAT!


Nicki Minaj is the coolest and hottest woman on earth. Just watch her..

I hate my job. At least it makes me study harder. And I earn money. I definitely don't wanna live on social benefit and my mom's wallet. It's just a start. Sweden is a great country.

So far, so good

This song is so good!! Starting to love swedish music.

In the beginning of last week I went to Estonia AGAIN. It was the last time I was pushed to go there. Now I don't know when I'm gonna go back there. My life in Sweden get's more and more settled down. I GOT A JOB! So happy about it. Even though I'm gonna work only 2 evenings in week. It's just the beginning. Then I got my own room that keeps me busy. My sister's room. I didn't even get to see her before she left and I have no idea how can I keep in touch with her. Anyway I can change the room and make it really nice.


What's buging me today

A guy, who was kind of my friend had said some bulls**t about me. And I have been so nice with him. So disturbing. I would like to say to his face what a bastard he is, but why to bother? His an ass, always been. Treating his friends like trash. I just can't understand why on earth he had to say those things. People blame others in their mistakes. Good luck to him, 'cause time has shown what you give is what you get back. Congratulations douchebag!
(few hours later) I had to be "a real grownup" and make a big deal of it :D I asked him out to clear things up. And guess what? I feel awesome now :D

I don't want to brag, but I got a FRIKING AWESOME GUY. How didn't I see it in the very beginning?