Cause the guilt is eating me inside

Around the end of January I started to talk with my USA host family. Gosh, how excited I was. Glowing and stuff. The family is so cute and the kids.. 2 girls, one is 3 and the other is 5. My phone is full of their pictures. Some kind of being in love.

About 1 month ago I got a visa. Then 2 weeks ago I went back to my homeland to do final driving exam, get criminal record and some healt evaluation thing. A lot of headache. I strongly reccomend to keep your vaccin pass in a safe place. You can't even imagine how important that can be. Anyway the end of the day I didn't have anything I came for. I'm allowed to get new driving licence not before 11th January (which means I have to get it through the Internet while I'm in USA). I didn't get criminal record also. They said I can do it only through Internet. Ok, I orderd it and got an e-mail when I was back in Sweden, that I can go and check it out. Everything would have been status quo if I would have find any ID-card reader in Sweden. I went to banks, library, school, but nothing. Most people even didn't know what that is. Then the health whatever thing is not done either. I didn't know I needed vaccin pass. Unbelievable that my doctor didn't have my information about vaccins. By the time I managed to get the vaccin pass, I had to already go back to Sweden. Which means I should go back to my homeland. But I knew it's all worth it. I have wanted this for a long time. The other problem is money. Being an Au Pair in USA isn't that cheap. Insurances and program fee and few other stuff costs together about 1100 euros and I earn in a month about 600 euros. I would have had that money long time ago if I wouldn't have spend that much money. Pluss trips to Estonia and visa costed almost 300 euros. Another headache.

About month ago offered a family in France a babysitter job. Awesome offer. I would have been in Europe and able to visit my family, friends and Chris. I said no to that offer. That USA family was already in my heart. I told my dad about that offer and he said I should go there. I only got mad on him. I already had a family in USA. "How the children would feel when I decide not to go to there? Like "Hey guys, I found another family, I'm not gonna come to you."". I could never do that to my USA family.

When I was in Estonia, I thought about how things gonna go when something happens with me? Like if I get hit by a car and die or sth. Wanna know what I was worried about if that happend? I was worring about if the USA family gets to know that. If the Au Pair agancy would find out why I don't answer the e-mails and phone calls. I worry about weird things, right. But I really don't want the kids and parents think that I don't want their family or something. That's how much I care about them.

Leaving home is also not that easy. Hearts broken and stuff.

So a week ago told my teacher that a family near my area (about 10 km from my home) would like to have an Au Pair in August. I was like damn! Why those offers comes now? I started to think "What if...?" thoughts. I came up with so many positive aspects why staying in Sweden is better. I would have good swedish practice. I could keep the cleaning job (I do itt only 2 times in a week from 4pm-10pm). So I'd earn a lot. I could pay rent to my mom. Her life would get easier. I wouldn't have to leave my guy. I'd be in Europe. Oh, and I'd keep paying taxes, so after 1 and a half year I would have rights for swedish pension :D When few months ago I thought that Sweden isn't that country I wanna live in, than now I think I would still like to live here. After I came back from my last Estonia-trip, I felt so good to be back HOME. That's what it is. Besides, it's a really good country to live and build a family (I'm gonna do it eventually :D). So it would be reasonable to settle down here for good and not to run around the world. I felt guilty to think those thoughts (USA family...) like I felt guilty being so excited and happy about going to USA (boyfriend..). The more I thought about things, the more I wanted to stay in Sweden. I talked about it with so many people. I decided to cancel my Au Pair year in USA. Now I have said it to the Au Pair agency. Paid the cancellation fee. I wrote a letter to my USA family. The hardest thing ever. I couldn't klick "send" for a long time. I keep thinking about how they feel. Especially the children. Even telling my boyfriend that I'm going to USA for a year wasn't so hard. He's a grown-up, but the girls are so little. I really hope they are not sad. Wish I could do both in the same time: go to USA and stay in Sweden. The older you get, the harder decision you gotta make.



I'm a selfish bastard. I hate what I did. I hate that I change my mind. That I can't stay true to my plans. I'm not gonna forgive it to myself. I'm so sorry, my american girls!!! I did a lot to be able to come there. I even borrowed book that teaches how to raise girls and another book that gives a lot of creative games and activities for children. I wanted to be the best Au Pair ever. They deserve only the best. And than I did this... I don't regret my final decision. Staying in Sweden is good for my future. But it just feels so bad. I'm a jerk.

Emme pole varem midagi nii ilusat kellelegi mu sõpradest ütelnud, kui ta Anxule ütles. Olin suht melanhoolses tujus mõni aeg tagasi, mille põhjusest ma rääkida ei taha. Siis hakkasin Anxuga väga palju läbi käima. Üks õhtu, kui ta taas meie juures oli, ütles emme talle: "Angela, aitäh, et sa mu tütrel olemas oled. Ta oli õnnetu ja nüüd on ta jälle rõõmus.". Ema süda teab. Sõbrannad on NIIIIIII OLULISED.


The other night saime kõne ühelt niggalt, kellega mingi teine päev hängisime veits. Uppsalas pidi pidu olema. Lõpuks ometi aafrika pidu, mida ma nii kaua oodanud olen. Metsik sättimine algas. Imedepidi jõudsime ilusti bussi peale. Tüdruk pole lihte olla, nii palju ettevalmistusi välja minekuks :D Guys, APPRECIATE IT! Uppsalas istusime bussijaamas ja jõime rumminatukest, mis kaasa sai võetud. Ma pole päris ammu joonud, seega sellest natukesest piisas. Saime tolle niggaga kokku ja sõitsime ta sõbra juurde. Jõuame kohale. Mm, esikus palju jalanõusid. Hea märk. Ja siis juhitakse meid selle tüübi imepisikesse tuppa. Muusika tuli mu telefonist. Party indeed. "Umm, where's the party?". Hämmastav, kui ilmselge kõik oli. Küsisime, kas linnas sees pole mingit pidu. Pidi olema mingi klubi, kuhu mu alaealine Anx pidi sisse saama, sest neil pidid tutvused sees olema. Läksime sinna. Meanwhile bussi peal... Ütlesin ära, et mul kutt. Anx valetas, et tal ka kutt. Kas neid niggereid takistas see, et meil kutid? Ei! See, kes minuga rääkis, ütles, et mis siis, me võime ikka "ha kul" (have fun vms...). "Det är Sverige. Vem bryr sig?". Koju tahan. Eriti rõve on see, kui kutt teeb komplimente ja sa tead, et need on tagamõttega. Ainus hea asi oli see, et tänu sellele rummile arvasin, et olen sitaks hea rootsi keeles ja rääkisin vabalt. Igatahes jõudsime sinna kluppi, mis osutus kohvikulaadseks kohaks. Kahte inimest nägime seal lisaks meile. Uhh, kui haiged niggerid. Nad läksid kuskile keldrikorrusele korra. Me kasutasime võimalust ja lasime jalga. "JOOKSEME!". Hhaha, adrenaliin. Tõesti ei viitsinud nendega maad jagada. Nii oli lihtsam. Ja valusam neile. Nad olid selle sajaga ära teeninud. Me pole mingi lõdva püksikummiga rootsi alaealised neiud, effing ajuhälvikutest bonerkingid! Lükake oma tokk seinakontakti ja rahunege maha.
Eile (vist), kui koju läksime oli bussijuhiks üks mustanahaline mees. Ta on koguaeg hullult tore ja äge, aga seekord, kui ta naeratas ja ütles, et me näeme head välja, oli mul kahtlane tunne, vaatamata sellele, et see bussijuht oli kõike muud kui pervert vms. Kõik tänu nendele eelmistele kiimakottidest niggeritele. Uhh...


Mu kallis Triin oli Uppsalas noortekas rulatamas ja kutsus meid(mina ja Anx) ka. Sara Liibanonist hängis ka meiega. Palju rootsi keele praktiseerimist. Ma pole elus rulatanud, aga nüüd hakkasin seda lausa armastama. Otseloomulikult tegin rohkem kui üks kord tutvust maaga, aga sellest polnud absoluutselt midagi. Püsti ja edasi.

Suur reede... Ma pole täitsa kindel, aga see võis olla mu elu parim pidu. Uppsala getto, Gottsunda, Triinu klassivenna juures. Terve toatäis mustanahalisi tüüpe, kes nägid välja nagu nad oleks 14-17, aga tegelt oli enamus minuvanuselised. JA NAD TANTSISID! Ma olin sellist teemat nii kaua oodanud. Õpetasid meile ka igast ägedaid liigutusi. See oli taevas. Muusika, inimesed, kõik oli NII ÕIGE! Ja nendega sai rääkida. Ei mingi käppimine ega libe jutt. Pluss ma õppisin swahili keelt, millest nüüdseks pole midagi enam meeles. Mingi aeg tuli ära minna, sest keegi oli hädaldanud lärmi pärast vms. Oi deem!! Seal bussi peal oli täielik kaos. Ma ei tea, mis tunne on Aafrikas päris õigel aafrika peal, aga ma usun, et midagi sarnast nagu mul seal nende keskel oli. Läksime mingisse pubi sarnasesse kohta. Mul polnud mingit dokumenti kaasas ja mu teised tüdrukud on alaealised, aga sisse me saime. Läbirääkimised. Appi, see pubi!!! Mmmh! Ma arvasin, et sellist kohta siin ei eksisteeri. Väga palju dancehalli ja superägedad inimesed, kes enamus tantsisid. Paradiiis. Ma ei ütle rootslaste kohta midagi halba, nad lihtsalt pole mu teetass, eriti mis puutub pidutsemisse. Nende arusaam peost on laua taga istumine ja joomine. Igatahes sain lõpuks oma dancehall peo ja nüüd on kõik väga bueno.

'Cause I love my life