Greatful to the pain

So, I got highly sour stomach. I of course was paranoid enough to think I'm gon die :D Had pretty much decided how to spend the time I had left and that I love my life no matter how long and short it will be. I appreciate being alive. And now when I have constant pain in my stomach, I'm greatful that otherwise I'm in good healt and that I didn't have any pain before it. Despite all the inconvenieces I'm actually happy that it happend. It's like a wake-up-call.
There's not many ppl who knows that I started smoking in the summer. Me, the real hater of smoking. I wanted to quit for the last 2 months. I minimised my smoking, but I couldn't have a smoke-free day. Thanks to the bellyache I managed to stay smokefree. The smell disgusts me.
The other thing I've been working on is my eating habits. I've been trying to eat healthy. Now I have to do it. Wrong food (fatty, greasy food) would give me excruciating pain. So no chocolate :D
Things happen for a reason. I can't sleep that much and do things because of the pain, but it's all good for me.

EXCRUCIATING!

Suffering in pain for many hours now. I have no idea what's wrong, but my stomach is swollen. It's like I'm suddenly 4-5 months pregnant AND IT FRIKING HURTS. It started with a lower-back pain and now all my stomach feels like stuff inside wants to exploide. These times I really think how much I love my country. If you have these kind of problems, health-problems, you get help. Ambulans would come after you. Plus you don't have to pay a bunch of money for it. But here they just tell me to get there myself. Hell no! It's like 1 o'clock in the night, buses don't drive anymore and I live about 40km away. So I'm like "Be a man" , "Grow some balls" , "It would be over in the morning" aso. But I'm not a man and I most certainly don't need balls and it still hurts that bad that I cry. Please please please be over soon!!!

Dreams and OneLoveCruise

Weirdest night ever. First I saw a half-dream. It's like you're dreaming, but it feels so so real. My sweetie was sleeping next to me. It was super warm like it always is when he's in bed. I think he's hand was around me. I was reaching out for him and he was gone. My stupid almost dream. Me grabbing pillows and plankets. I got 3 pillows and 4 plankets on my bed :D Try to beat that.

Then a real dream. It was 19th century kind of mixed with present. The Hitler time. I remember I was in a small room with 2 doors. Next to right door standed Hitler and next to left door standed I-don't-remember-he's-name (it may have been Stalin, but in my dream he sure wasn't russian). Anyway it was war and those to were the heads of the 2 countries. Anyway the 3 of us was in the small room. Both of men were ready to open the door for me. I had to choose. I knew that Hitler's side was cruel, bad, evil. Not for the ppl who was on his side. I just knew it was wrong. But I also knew I'd survive for sure if I picked his side. There was an older woman who wanted good for me and told me to choose Hitler. But the other side... All my friends where on that side. Everybody I love was on that side. Somewhere... It was "the good side". But also the dangerous one. I knew I'll die there. I would have been marked either way. It was like a really painful tattoo kind of mark to show which side I belong to. I choosed Hitler. And I was crying all the time, 'cause I knew that my ppl gonna die. I woke up sweating more than I sweat in gym.


15.-17. november is the One Love Cruise. Stockholm-Tallinn-Stockholm. Yesterday was the first time I checked it out on the internet. I thought it was way too expensive for me and I didn't know it goes to Estonia. IT WAS CHEAP! There are performing a bunch of dancehall/reggae artist. I only knew like 3 of them but I have only one song from each of them on my phone. So I'll survive that I miss that cruise. In Spring there were really really really cool artists, but that time I didn't even knew about the cruise. Anyway this time is my favourite DJ on board. That Tequila bar DJ. And lot of my friends. I'm extremly jealous. And mad at myself. I would have had such a blast. But I'll go there next time and then will Squeeze be there :D Oh yes! Have to be so.

Gym Tan Work Joy Joy Joy ...

I discovered really awesome movies. "Madea's big happy family" , "Madea goes to jail" , "Madea's family reunion" and other films with Madea. Tyler Perry plays the character of Madea and HIS AMAZING. So funny! The best comedies of all!!

Started going to gym again and I'm taking it seriously. Sweat sweat sweat!

What's new? I'm occupied with a sweet sweet guy. So far so good. I'm changing.. now I don't let a guy be everything for me. I got other things in my life too. Weird that ever since you're not available anymore, loads of guys start to give lot of attention on you. So random things have happend. But I like it. Makes life more interesting. And they keep boosting my ego. So go ahead and come around me. I have good karma, ego, good whatever. I'm happy most of the time.

I really really really want my own club. It's my biggest wish and goal right now. There's not many good places where I can hear my music. There's a huge need for it. But first I gotta find more job, work hard so I'd have enough money to make my dream come true. My club already excists in my head. Gotta use "The Secret"...

Call me crazy, but I wanna have 3 jobs. Seriously. After 5 years I got em. And house. And car. Maybe pregnancy :D And after at most 10 years I got my club. Yep. That's how it's gonna be. If I don't change my mind meanwhile :D Anyway all those things are realistic and not that difficult to achieve.

I'm so tired, but not able to sleep. Strange. I got no problems, nothing that should keep me up. Everythings fine. I don't understand...