I'm so happy that I didn't go to USA. The people I've met, the friends I have now... I'm happy where I am now. I've never felt that kind of satisfaction. I always felt that I'm in wrong place. Now are things right.

I knew that the weekend is going to be good but in reality it was beyond everything I imagined. First Angela stayed over on Thursday. Girl talk almost all night long. Creating evil plans and laughing hard. She's really the best kind of girlfriend. "I don't let anybody hurt my gal!" and she means it. We were so close to do what we had planed... but things changed. And I'm glad about it. The person didn't deserve it actually. Rumours of jealous people made me believe bad things about him. Anyway I'm superhappy to have a friend who always got my back. So if someone's messing with me, he's gonna pay high price for that. I'm not the one to be played with.
Angela makes my life more exciting. I love you gal! She's one of the reasons why I should be happy.

Friday me and Angela were wearing friking hot outfits.

Who run the world? GIRLS! We went to my friends place first and then to Moses place. I wanted to go to Agave too. I went and it was so far the coolest party in Agave. Everybody was there plus lot of new people I haven't seen before. Lot of gorgeous people who knew how to dance. When I got in, I went to say hey to the Dj. Man I was happy to see him! He played all my favourite songs. Then a friend who I havent seen so long time came there. I almost huged him into pieces :D I danced hard and enjoyd every second.

Saturday was also fine as heaven! My sis wanted to go to Pari's party, but I choosed to stay with Angela. Then Pari invited Angela too and we went there. We were walking on the streets and Angela wanted me to listen some song and she gave me one of her headphones. "Listen this! Don't look to the right! Just walk.". She thought I was avoiding a person. "He was there. Calling your name and stuff." :D I went back and said hey.
Pari's party was cool but we didn't stay there that long. I wanted to go to Agave so bad. The music wasn't as good as it was on Friday but it was still good. I pretty much danced with only one person the whole night. Usually I dance alone, with my girls and some guy-friends. This time was a lot different.
Agave is another reason that keeps me happy. The memories I got there and people I met. I really enjoy the music there.

The third one is Squeeze. Whenever I hear his "Dutty love" I go crazy happy and I start dancing. Don't need much to be happy :) He's quite unknown artist, but not for long. I've been spreading Squeeze-love :D Yes, he gotta come to Sweden!

Then my family makes me glad. My sister is like my best friend and I couldn't me more greatful to my mom. She made me so beautiful in all ways.


When I meet someone, I hope that we don't have common friends, 'cause I don't wanna hear any rumours. I want the person to be an empty page for me. You never know if the things people say are true or not. People like to change truth and see things that aint there. "We see things as we are, not as they are". Rumours almost ruind everything. Things still went as they supposed to. And I'm happy.

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Weeks ago I was heading to some queer thing with sister. In central station were some guys who tried to fob off phone-bill-contract or whatever it's called. Out of nowhere one half-black guy said "Damn u're fine." I saied "U too." and then he "Give me a kiss.". Just like that. People keep suprising me. My sister has the same contract so I decided to do it too. In the middle of writing down my information another contract-guy asked "Are u single?". Nice way to make girls sign the contract. As u see, it totally worked with me. Then they asked if my and my sister are a couple. Like wtf? Way too many ppl have thought that we're together. So weird! By now I have cancelled that stupid contract. It may be better than the one I have, plus I would get a new phone, but I don't really need it. I'm totally happy with the one I have.

I've been discovering Uppsalas sex shop "Lustgården" lately. I just love that place. Mostely because of the shopkeeper. She's so cool! "I've tried to put that condom on my head. I had to use 3...". The stuff there are friking amazing. I even found an awesome party-dress. Plus I got a wicked idea there. Evil me. If u play with me, I play u back.

"Don't get confused between my personality and my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are."

 

Tomorrow is a big day. I'll get my salary and I have already planed how to chop half of it. Good job, huh! I'm getting a tattoo finally. Deam, how excited I am! The whole week is going to be amazing!

Mi luv da song!

Restoranitöö on suht käpas ja inimesed väga omad. Alguse poole oli kyll hullumaja. Seal käib nii palju kylalisi, et hoia ja keela. Pole elus midagi sellist näinud. Kui buss tuleb on mitukymmend inimest platsis, kes k6ik tahavad syya. Stress! Siis on yks araablasest kaastöötaja Thomas, kes on suht perv. Thomas on hullult s6bralik ja koguaeg naljatab minuga, aga käpib veits palju. Ykskord katsus mu kanni korra. Mu thai poksi treener Chawan töötab ka seal ja tal on Thomasega kana kitkuda. Igatahes treener nägi, et ma olin näost ära. Kysis mis on ja ma muidugi kitusin ära. "Step back and do the elbow-kick" :D 6petas, kuidas molli anda. Chawan on ylemuse tytre mees ja kuna Chawan ei salli seda "fucking pussy" 't ytles ta oma naisele, kes omakorda ylemusele :D Kartsin täiega, et nyyd hakkan vatti saama, aga k6ik oli kombes. Rohkem pole ta mind puudutanud. Imeline! Ma olen ikka suht muna kyll, et ma ise pole asju selgeks teinud. Tuleb lihtsalt öelda, et ära käpi mind ja korras. A ma loodan, et pilgust piisab. Sittagi.

Ylemus on mul nii äge! Ta on pärit Horvaatiast, Splitist, sellest kohast, mida ma armastan. Ta k6ht on nagu yks suur kivik6va pall. Nagu pomm, mis v6ib iga hetk plahvatada. Metsik!



Araabia mehed ja pilukad on jubedad! Näiteks eile Tequila bar'is yks pilukas lihtsalt seisis ja vahtis mind ja Anxu. See nägu kuulub maailma pervodema nägude top10-sse. See nilbe naeratus... vastik! Läksime Anxuga korra baarist välja jahtuma ja natukese aja pärast arvake ära, kes meie juurde tuli? Facking ilge tyyp. Alguses tegime nagu teda pole olemas, aga kui ta ikka aru ei saanud vihjest, tegime talle asjad puust punaseks. Rohkem ta meid ei tyydanud ega vahtinud :D Ja araablased... oeh. Matsid. Ei oska naisi kohelda.


Mu nv oli ylisisukas. Reedel kl. 3-10 töö restoranis pärast mida koju pessu ja kohe bussi peale. Tequila bar aka Agave. Ma ilmselgelt armastan seda kohta. I have never seen someone like him before! Ta tantsis kuradi vingelt. Ja siis tantsisin mina temaga. Ausalt, kus ta varem on olnud? See oli hämmastav. Pluss ta nägi äge välja. Bruno Marsi stiil. Siis ma leidsin kellegi, kes mu arust nägi välja nagu Kanye West.. no ma ei tea.. Ma joon inimesed ilusaks vist. Ja ta tantsis nagu uimane kala. K6ige parem on tantsida tydrukutega, eriti Anxu ja Triinuga. Triinuga läheme nats hulluks. Paljud arvavad alguses, et me oleme paar. Ykskord olime vetsujärjekorras ja yks tydruk, kes meie taga seisis ytles, et ma suudleks Triinu. "I can see that u like her. But don't go and fuck in the toilet 'cause I really need to pee.". Totally weird! Nyyd me väga ei julge koos tantsida...
Laupäeval kl. 1-10 töö restos. Järgnes sama stsenaarium nagu reedel. See nö Kanye West oli seal ja siis ja siis ja siis tuli mu ylilemmik tantsumees tagasi. Kui k6ik koju hakkasid minema ytles ta, et see on ta viimane nv siin. Kolib ära kuskile. My life!!! :D Eba6iglane. Mul olid suured plaanid temaga. Just kidding.
Pyhapäev kontorikoristus ja siis j6usaal. Kui Eesti tulen, näitan musklit. Olen suht rahul.

Huvitav, kuidas mu issi tunneb end.. yks tytardest on lesbi ja teisele meeldivad mustanahalised :D Huvitav, mis Arturist saab...

What's up?

Palju palju tööd ja trenni ja pidu viimased 2 nädalat. Kuna reedene teema on kõige värskem, siis skippin kõik muu. Pidin oma 4 sõbrannaga dominicaanlase juurde peole minema, aga see teema läks way liiga kahtlaseks, kui minekuks läks, nii, et läksime Sanne sõprade juurde. Pakuti juua nii, et võeti joogid ja topsid ja mindi meile kokku segama seda. Tänan ei. Võõraid ei usalda. Jälle liiga kahtlane. Hejdå ja oma teed. Muidugi olin juba selle mõelnud, et mis edasi, kui Sanne teema on lame. Tequila pub, kuhu tuli Abdullah oma šokolaadigängiga ja Daniel pidi ka oma sõpradeega tulema. Mul polnud ID-d kaasas, aga seda ei küsitudki. Houmid juba vist :D Valge DJ, mis tähendab üldjuhul lamedat muusikat, aga teatud konditsioonis olles ei oma see tähtsust. Vahepeal tuli midagi head ka ikka, nii et täiesti läbikukkunud see valge šokolaad polnud. Teised mu tüdrukud kadusid meil lihtsalt ära kuskile.Tantsisime Anxuga. Ma ei tea, mis tuuled küll puhusid, et meil nii palju lööki oli. Millegipärast arvasid mõned, et me tahame hullult neid enda vastu hõõruma. Mõni lihtsalt vaatas. Üks istus ja ütles, et ta abielluks meiega (minu ja Anxuga) kui ta juba abielus poleks, sest me tantsime hästi. Kind of weird. Ma ei hakka eitama, et sellise massive tähelepanu saamine mulle ei meeldinud. Sain enda jaoks maailma parima komplimendi, kui mulle öeldi "Dancehall queen".  Ütlen ausalt, et nad panid üle. Peo lõpu poole läks asi kahtlaseks. Kõik kutsusid meid enda juurde afterparty'le. Abdullah ühte kohta, ta sõber teise kohta, Anxu tuttava vend kolmandasse. "Come with us, we're having the best afterparty". Viimane laul (mis on muide superhea)

oli kõik kuidagi väga koos nagu kilud karbis. Liiga palju kehasid, liiga palju ohjeldamatuid käsi. Kui mingi kiimas araablane tuleb mu taha tantsima ja surub oma olematu asjanduse mu tagumiku vastu, pole ma eriti rõõmus. Give him the look and push him away. Väljas ootas meid takso. Kellega, kuhu?? Lõpetasime Salabackenis kohe selle studio, kus Chris muusikat tegi kui siin oli, kõrval. Vb sellepärast oli turvalisem tunne. Tants omavalitud muusika järgi + muusikavideo vaatamine suurelt ekraanilt, imeline! Me Anxuga põhimõtteliselt kuskile ööseks ei jää, aga oi deem mis jauramine algas, et me sinna jääks. Nii desperate ikka olla ei saa. Enne kella üheksat hommikul koju minek. Siiamaani magamata. Hea töö :D


Üks teine päev kohtasime Anxuga ülihuvitavat tüüpi. Meil oli igav ja kõndisime lihtsalt Uppsala linnapargis ringi. Istusime pingile ja kõrval olev tüüp hakkas juttu rääkima. Kingston guy Spino. Mu maailmapilt laienes. Ta rääkis, kuidas Jamaical on. Põmst igal pool võid lambist kuuli saada. Spino võtabki elu mõnuga ja naudib seda, mis on praegu, mitte ei tööta oo kauge helge tuleviku pärast, mida ei pruugigi tulla. Ta viskas oma prügi maha. arvake ära, mis suhtumine mul selle suhtes on, aga siis ta ütles midagi täiesti teise nurga alt vaadatut. Tänu sellele prahile saab keegi tööd. Hämmastav :D Ma pole elus nii sellele mõelnud. Üleüldse oli tal super suhtumine KÕIGESSE. Everliving, everfaithful, eversure.

Stop thinking about what's the wrong and what's the right thing to do. If it feels good then it's right and just skip the bullshit and enjoy.

So bored

It's been a shitty weather for way too long, which makes everything worse than it is already. And they said England is a rainy country. Come to Sweden and swim on streets. Such a bullshit. I'm bored to death. Luckily I'm assumingly gonna have another job. Would be awesome to work literally all the time. Pluss getting money feels good. The more the better :D Gotta save a lot for my heavenly good plans. Sun, warmth and people who makes me happy. Isn't it what life is all about? Being happy, I mean. Now I'm living the safe life. Boring as fuck. When some weeks ago I thought about settling down, than now I wanna pack my bag and leave. Sweden is good. Kind of a land without worries. But it's all fucking boring. Pluss the weather is even worse than in my country. I'd rather live in a warm sunny exciting country where I don't have much money, than here. Money is good, but it's not happiness.

On Saturday I finally went out with a guy I met in my paradise pub. What a mistake. We went to cinema and watched "Babycall". That movie was WICKED! If you can, then watch it. One of the best horror movies. The movie was the only good thing about that night. Would have been even better if I had watched it alone...


Oh, I finished school. So proud of myself 'cause I did it so fast. No I could go and study sth, but what's the point if I'm probably going far away anyway. Don't even know if I need swedish at all in future :D Whatever. I like the language.


Life is still good and it's gonna get only better.

Give me some sun please!

When the drugs don't work no more, you get high on life

If people wanna make a change, it's gotta be for themselves, not for someone else, otherwize it just won't work. They say love conquers everything. That if you love someone, you accept their flaws. But there's a limit. Things that are unacceptable. And you gotta let go even though the love is stone-strong. Even though you know that the other half would love you to death and be faithful. Feels like choking. Should have seen that in the very beginning. But I had trust and hope and pink glasses... It's time to get off them now. Wish I could do the same with feelings too. Just take them out from myself. And I hate that wicked shit. I hate what they do with people.

Typical life. Things just doesn't go as you expect. And if everything wasn't bad enough, I get an other thing to worry about. My health. WHAT A BULLSHIT!

I haven't stop loving

"hey

i really appreciate your nice profile.

iam ali from morocco and so happy to create a nice friendship with you.

have a nice moments

thanks from ali,"

It's hilarious when people think that google translate works just fine.

I got my sunshine back. First, the pills are not fucking up my mood anymore. Second, I feel happy about my decision to stay in Sweden. Third, uhmm.. don't knoow. I'm so excited about next week. On Tuesday I'm gonna go to Estonia with my cute guy. Well see how that goes... On Wednesday we're gonna come back with my sis, her daughter and granny. It's the first time they all gonna see Chris. Then Friday I'll get 20!! Excitement is on the edge.

Now I'm enjoying my feber and being busy to get well. Eating garlic, drinking lot's of tea.. yeah., I'm taking it seriously. Not really good time to be sick. Had so many plans. Uppsala Pride which my lil sis have helpt organized (it's really important for her), friends who want's to meet me, work, gym. I'm addicted to gym and the girl-talk with my mom in sauna after training. So good! Wanna hear something ridiculous? Someone stole my bikinis when I left them dry in the sauna. Pretty gross. I wouldn't ever wanna wear some strangers bikinis. Pluss even though they were gorgeous were they also cheap. Not really worth to steal. I can live without them :D Pluss it was impossible to swim with them and hoping my precious parts are hidden.

Here they are. Don't know why here looks the colours so out-washed. Mine had much brighter colours.

Life is good!

Cause the guilt is eating me inside

Around the end of January I started to talk with my USA host family. Gosh, how excited I was. Glowing and stuff. The family is so cute and the kids.. 2 girls, one is 3 and the other is 5. My phone is full of their pictures. Some kind of being in love.

About 1 month ago I got a visa. Then 2 weeks ago I went back to my homeland to do final driving exam, get criminal record and some healt evaluation thing. A lot of headache. I strongly reccomend to keep your vaccin pass in a safe place. You can't even imagine how important that can be. Anyway the end of the day I didn't have anything I came for. I'm allowed to get new driving licence not before 11th January (which means I have to get it through the Internet while I'm in USA). I didn't get criminal record also. They said I can do it only through Internet. Ok, I orderd it and got an e-mail when I was back in Sweden, that I can go and check it out. Everything would have been status quo if I would have find any ID-card reader in Sweden. I went to banks, library, school, but nothing. Most people even didn't know what that is. Then the health whatever thing is not done either. I didn't know I needed vaccin pass. Unbelievable that my doctor didn't have my information about vaccins. By the time I managed to get the vaccin pass, I had to already go back to Sweden. Which means I should go back to my homeland. But I knew it's all worth it. I have wanted this for a long time. The other problem is money. Being an Au Pair in USA isn't that cheap. Insurances and program fee and few other stuff costs together about 1100 euros and I earn in a month about 600 euros. I would have had that money long time ago if I wouldn't have spend that much money. Pluss trips to Estonia and visa costed almost 300 euros. Another headache.

About month ago offered a family in France a babysitter job. Awesome offer. I would have been in Europe and able to visit my family, friends and Chris. I said no to that offer. That USA family was already in my heart. I told my dad about that offer and he said I should go there. I only got mad on him. I already had a family in USA. "How the children would feel when I decide not to go to there? Like "Hey guys, I found another family, I'm not gonna come to you."". I could never do that to my USA family.

When I was in Estonia, I thought about how things gonna go when something happens with me? Like if I get hit by a car and die or sth. Wanna know what I was worried about if that happend? I was worring about if the USA family gets to know that. If the Au Pair agancy would find out why I don't answer the e-mails and phone calls. I worry about weird things, right. But I really don't want the kids and parents think that I don't want their family or something. That's how much I care about them.

Leaving home is also not that easy. Hearts broken and stuff.

So a week ago told my teacher that a family near my area (about 10 km from my home) would like to have an Au Pair in August. I was like damn! Why those offers comes now? I started to think "What if...?" thoughts. I came up with so many positive aspects why staying in Sweden is better. I would have good swedish practice. I could keep the cleaning job (I do itt only 2 times in a week from 4pm-10pm). So I'd earn a lot. I could pay rent to my mom. Her life would get easier. I wouldn't have to leave my guy. I'd be in Europe. Oh, and I'd keep paying taxes, so after 1 and a half year I would have rights for swedish pension :D When few months ago I thought that Sweden isn't that country I wanna live in, than now I think I would still like to live here. After I came back from my last Estonia-trip, I felt so good to be back HOME. That's what it is. Besides, it's a really good country to live and build a family (I'm gonna do it eventually :D). So it would be reasonable to settle down here for good and not to run around the world. I felt guilty to think those thoughts (USA family...) like I felt guilty being so excited and happy about going to USA (boyfriend..). The more I thought about things, the more I wanted to stay in Sweden. I talked about it with so many people. I decided to cancel my Au Pair year in USA. Now I have said it to the Au Pair agency. Paid the cancellation fee. I wrote a letter to my USA family. The hardest thing ever. I couldn't klick "send" for a long time. I keep thinking about how they feel. Especially the children. Even telling my boyfriend that I'm going to USA for a year wasn't so hard. He's a grown-up, but the girls are so little. I really hope they are not sad. Wish I could do both in the same time: go to USA and stay in Sweden. The older you get, the harder decision you gotta make.



I'm a selfish bastard. I hate what I did. I hate that I change my mind. That I can't stay true to my plans. I'm not gonna forgive it to myself. I'm so sorry, my american girls!!! I did a lot to be able to come there. I even borrowed book that teaches how to raise girls and another book that gives a lot of creative games and activities for children. I wanted to be the best Au Pair ever. They deserve only the best. And than I did this... I don't regret my final decision. Staying in Sweden is good for my future. But it just feels so bad. I'm a jerk.

Emme pole varem midagi nii ilusat kellelegi mu sõpradest ütelnud, kui ta Anxule ütles. Olin suht melanhoolses tujus mõni aeg tagasi, mille põhjusest ma rääkida ei taha. Siis hakkasin Anxuga väga palju läbi käima. Üks õhtu, kui ta taas meie juures oli, ütles emme talle: "Angela, aitäh, et sa mu tütrel olemas oled. Ta oli õnnetu ja nüüd on ta jälle rõõmus.". Ema süda teab. Sõbrannad on NIIIIIII OLULISED.


The other night saime kõne ühelt niggalt, kellega mingi teine päev hängisime veits. Uppsalas pidi pidu olema. Lõpuks ometi aafrika pidu, mida ma nii kaua oodanud olen. Metsik sättimine algas. Imedepidi jõudsime ilusti bussi peale. Tüdruk pole lihte olla, nii palju ettevalmistusi välja minekuks :D Guys, APPRECIATE IT! Uppsalas istusime bussijaamas ja jõime rumminatukest, mis kaasa sai võetud. Ma pole päris ammu joonud, seega sellest natukesest piisas. Saime tolle niggaga kokku ja sõitsime ta sõbra juurde. Jõuame kohale. Mm, esikus palju jalanõusid. Hea märk. Ja siis juhitakse meid selle tüübi imepisikesse tuppa. Muusika tuli mu telefonist. Party indeed. "Umm, where's the party?". Hämmastav, kui ilmselge kõik oli. Küsisime, kas linnas sees pole mingit pidu. Pidi olema mingi klubi, kuhu mu alaealine Anx pidi sisse saama, sest neil pidid tutvused sees olema. Läksime sinna. Meanwhile bussi peal... Ütlesin ära, et mul kutt. Anx valetas, et tal ka kutt. Kas neid niggereid takistas see, et meil kutid? Ei! See, kes minuga rääkis, ütles, et mis siis, me võime ikka "ha kul" (have fun vms...). "Det är Sverige. Vem bryr sig?". Koju tahan. Eriti rõve on see, kui kutt teeb komplimente ja sa tead, et need on tagamõttega. Ainus hea asi oli see, et tänu sellele rummile arvasin, et olen sitaks hea rootsi keeles ja rääkisin vabalt. Igatahes jõudsime sinna kluppi, mis osutus kohvikulaadseks kohaks. Kahte inimest nägime seal lisaks meile. Uhh, kui haiged niggerid. Nad läksid kuskile keldrikorrusele korra. Me kasutasime võimalust ja lasime jalga. "JOOKSEME!". Hhaha, adrenaliin. Tõesti ei viitsinud nendega maad jagada. Nii oli lihtsam. Ja valusam neile. Nad olid selle sajaga ära teeninud. Me pole mingi lõdva püksikummiga rootsi alaealised neiud, effing ajuhälvikutest bonerkingid! Lükake oma tokk seinakontakti ja rahunege maha.
Eile (vist), kui koju läksime oli bussijuhiks üks mustanahaline mees. Ta on koguaeg hullult tore ja äge, aga seekord, kui ta naeratas ja ütles, et me näeme head välja, oli mul kahtlane tunne, vaatamata sellele, et see bussijuht oli kõike muud kui pervert vms. Kõik tänu nendele eelmistele kiimakottidest niggeritele. Uhh...


Mu kallis Triin oli Uppsalas noortekas rulatamas ja kutsus meid(mina ja Anx) ka. Sara Liibanonist hängis ka meiega. Palju rootsi keele praktiseerimist. Ma pole elus rulatanud, aga nüüd hakkasin seda lausa armastama. Otseloomulikult tegin rohkem kui üks kord tutvust maaga, aga sellest polnud absoluutselt midagi. Püsti ja edasi.

Suur reede... Ma pole täitsa kindel, aga see võis olla mu elu parim pidu. Uppsala getto, Gottsunda, Triinu klassivenna juures. Terve toatäis mustanahalisi tüüpe, kes nägid välja nagu nad oleks 14-17, aga tegelt oli enamus minuvanuselised. JA NAD TANTSISID! Ma olin sellist teemat nii kaua oodanud. Õpetasid meile ka igast ägedaid liigutusi. See oli taevas. Muusika, inimesed, kõik oli NII ÕIGE! Ja nendega sai rääkida. Ei mingi käppimine ega libe jutt. Pluss ma õppisin swahili keelt, millest nüüdseks pole midagi enam meeles. Mingi aeg tuli ära minna, sest keegi oli hädaldanud lärmi pärast vms. Oi deem!! Seal bussi peal oli täielik kaos. Ma ei tea, mis tunne on Aafrikas päris õigel aafrika peal, aga ma usun, et midagi sarnast nagu mul seal nende keskel oli. Läksime mingisse pubi sarnasesse kohta. Mul polnud mingit dokumenti kaasas ja mu teised tüdrukud on alaealised, aga sisse me saime. Läbirääkimised. Appi, see pubi!!! Mmmh! Ma arvasin, et sellist kohta siin ei eksisteeri. Väga palju dancehalli ja superägedad inimesed, kes enamus tantsisid. Paradiiis. Ma ei ütle rootslaste kohta midagi halba, nad lihtsalt pole mu teetass, eriti mis puutub pidutsemisse. Nende arusaam peost on laua taga istumine ja joomine. Igatahes sain lõpuks oma dancehall peo ja nüüd on kõik väga bueno.

'Cause I love my life