Sometimes we are attracted to things that we don't like.

My attempt to fall asleep failed so I decided that it's more reasonable to chill on the computer than to lay down in bed for hours and force myself to fall asleep. Doesn't work AT ALL. I'm so intensed lately. Most of time nervous and anxious which makes me act like a bitch. Don't like it at all. Yesterday I took 2 sleeping pills IN THE MORNING :D Sure, why not. It eases up emotional stuff. It seems like I have problems, but I DON'T! Life is treating me good. And I am happy. Right now even more than other times. With pretty much no reason. There doesn't need to be a reason for feeling bad or feeling good. It's just all what we let us feel. Let the inside world control the outside world. 

Have you discovered a song that you become so addicted that you put it on again and again and again and when you try to listen some other song, the other ones almost disgusts us 'cause it's not the awesome song you wanna listen over again? My addiction is that one:

Listening it makes me so calm and... HAPPY. It's so good to listen it, close my eyes and imagine where I wanna be, what I wanna do and with who. Sometimes imagining things seems so real. Sometimes they are good enough. Like.. I can have all I want without actually having them. Dreaming is good enough.

 I discovered a pretty awesome thing called body rocking. It's a fitness training. Or sth like that. I've done it for few days now and gotta say it works. And doing those exerzises makes me laugh, 'cause I start to think of those teaching videos that looks kind of like porn videos :D Just listen that accent and see "the stuff".

Best thing about new years eve was probably songs my lil bro made. We just got an electrical quitar and he feels himself like a real musician already :D Something from his song that he made for me: "Min syster är kär i Christhopher. Jag undrar hur mycket barn de få. Min syster är den snyggaste tjej." In english it's: "My sister is in love with Christhopher. I wonder how many kids they are going to have. My sister is the hottest girl.". Guess which part I liked the most? Kids, kids, kids!! Please! Maybe my having-kids-nightmares are the reasone I can't fall asleep. Just don't wanna see another one. In my dream-world I must be a skank, 'cause all my dream-kids seems to have different dads. AWESOME! I love kids, but don't wanna have them in so young age.



First time in my life I am a taxpayer! Weird that I'm excited and so happy about it. I clean offices... and toilets:D... which actually isn't that bad at all.  I kind of like my job. I'm getting money :D And people are giving me respect. And I give myself respect.

I guess I love my life...

Happiness is a choice

"Whatever you choose for You is right! You cannot get it wrong. If you have chosen something for You, it is right! You cannot fail. It is impossible for you to fail, because how can you fail at being You? You are the perfection of You, because nobody else can be You. You have got You down pat! Do you appreciate that you are an outstanding and total success at being You, right where you are now? "


www.thesecret.tv is the thing I believe in, 'cause it works. Swear to god. And that David Icke stuff... Just a bulls**t to freak people out. My sister got to know about it and she thinks it's pure true and sees things black and white. "We are actually all slaves. Only few people rules the world." I RULE MY OWN WORLD. It's not healty to believe in that trash. But what I recommend, is The Secret. I don't care if some thinks it's naive or whatever. At least I'm feeling awesome. Happy about the present. Finally.
People who always whine are pathetic. It's stupid to only complain and not to see that life is actually good. Like that man with no hands and arms.

"U see, I would try 100 times to get up and if I fail 100 times.. if I fail and I give up, do u think I'll ever gonna get up? "If he can be happy, why can't others? Happiness is a choice...

WAIT OR CREATE

Guess what it is. First it makes each and one of us become a shopaholic. We also are almost addicted to cleaning, because of it. Then it makes us watch movies, that we have already seen hundred times and listen songs that aren't even our cup of tea. Finally it gives us food pregnancy and get's lost. It's CHRISTMAS!!


Christmas Eve was actually really cool. My lil bro handed out presents. "You can sit on my lap too, if you don't have a poem or song.". Little pal, you wouldn't survive it! Before christmas I made clear if he believes in Santa or not. I had to do it, 'cause he wanted more and more presents. "Santa don't need money. Santa has dwarfs." Well, the real Santa actually needs money.. And I got to know, he's not a believer. He knows exactly where the presents come from, he was just pretending. Sneaky little ones. At the end he bought everybody something (with my money btw :D). When Krista opend the one he got her, he added "I got it for 10 krones from Karlsson.". Hhaha, epic!


The warmest christmas I've ever had. I was so scared that this place gonna turn into Alaska or something. It actually looks like it's getting ready for spring already. Went running the day after christmas and gonna do it again today. Cause I can :D



What I've been feeling for past weeks, is not good at all. Feel like nothing. Sometimes I wanna do bad things, 'cause even the bad is better than nothing. I'm 20 after 5 months and where have I got? nowhere... Yep, I've learned swedish. Yep, I have a job. Yep, I have friends. Yep, I have bf. I have quite everything. I'm still not happy. I'm a big zero. I know swedish, but to get a better job, I gotta learn so many years, that when I finish, I'm kind of old. My crappy job is only on Wednesday and Friday, so I'm not sure if I make enough money to be able to pay a little rent to my mom and still have enough to enjoy life. My really good friends are far. The people I know here aren't that close. My bf.. good but complicated. I don't need men, I need friends. I really miss girl-talk. I wanna be productive. At the moment it feels like I'm more waiting than creating. I wanna make more out of my life, just don't know how. And I'm sick of thinking, that it will all get better in time. Sick of waiting. Time to act.


Yesterday was nice. Some friends came over. My lil bro had also a friend at us. We all danced. Evening ended up with talking about relationships. Even though I didn't tell nothing about mine, it was so what I needed! Girl talk with guys :D Intresting. And they broke my bed :D:D

And who was in Estonia again? I'm like married to Estonia. That damn paperwork. And I may get some serious problems, because of someone else. Nice huh? "You're not gonna live in Estonia anyway, right?". I have no idea what I'm gonna do or where I'm gonna be. Only thing I know is that I'm still not pleased. Everything's good, but it's still not right. I'll make it right.
This year is nearly over. First moments of that year I knew it will be different and awesome. It haven't been that awesome. It has been quite boring. Whine whine and whine :D


One evening in Estonia I went out with my older sis and her friends. One word AWESOME. Things have change. Now she is asking me out with her, but before I was asking (probably commanding) to go out with her. Nice to be older. I used to be and awful kid. It was insane! Even I can't believe it was me. Probably that's why I'm so calm now. I had my days..


I'm back home now. Paranoid, confused, dissappointed but still kind of happy. Yesterday I went to my friend's scool, which is my sweetie's old school btw. Met some awesome ppl. Everybody stares the new face...
People was in groups. Black guys hanged out with black guys, black girls hanged out with black girls, arabic guys hanged out with arabic guys and Muji (my friend) was hanging out with all types of girls :D
I talked a lot of swedish. It's easier to speak with foreigners, cause they understand better. One day I won't have that weird accent. That day would be GREAT!


Nicki Minaj is the coolest and hottest woman on earth. Just watch her..

I hate my job. At least it makes me study harder. And I earn money. I definitely don't wanna live on social benefit and my mom's wallet. It's just a start. Sweden is a great country.

So far, so good

This song is so good!! Starting to love swedish music.

In the beginning of last week I went to Estonia AGAIN. It was the last time I was pushed to go there. Now I don't know when I'm gonna go back there. My life in Sweden get's more and more settled down. I GOT A JOB! So happy about it. Even though I'm gonna work only 2 evenings in week. It's just the beginning. Then I got my own room that keeps me busy. My sister's room. I didn't even get to see her before she left and I have no idea how can I keep in touch with her. Anyway I can change the room and make it really nice.


What's buging me today

A guy, who was kind of my friend had said some bulls**t about me. And I have been so nice with him. So disturbing. I would like to say to his face what a bastard he is, but why to bother? His an ass, always been. Treating his friends like trash. I just can't understand why on earth he had to say those things. People blame others in their mistakes. Good luck to him, 'cause time has shown what you give is what you get back. Congratulations douchebag!
(few hours later) I had to be "a real grownup" and make a big deal of it :D I asked him out to clear things up. And guess what? I feel awesome now :D

I don't want to brag, but I got a FRIKING AWESOME GUY. How didn't I see it in the very beginning?

So, my Estonia. The ship-trip was quite intresting. Ppl on the voyage are so confident and bold. Yeah, of course I wanna hook up with you and your alcohol-breath, you cutie. So many drunk ppl. But I was with my dad, so it was ok. Some swedish guys started to talk with me. First I answered in swedish, then we went over on english. "Ok, I gotta go now."
"Bye! See you later"
"Yeah." I went to my room and I stayed there. YEAH :D In the morning dad said:
"You went to bed that early so I couldn't hand on greetings."
"What are you talking about?"Those swedish guys went to my dad to ask about me. I wish I saw and hear their conversation. Would have been entertaining since my dad doesn't speak neither english nor swedish.


Oh my friking god how many things I had to do and how many places I had go. In the future I'm gonna live in a place where there aren't so many rules and paper-work. My dad said: "That's the grownups world". Well, the grownups world could suck my imaginary ding-dong.

The last night in Estonia. I went to a club with my friends. I love love love them. If I could have them here, my world would rock! But seems I can't have ppl I adore near me. Come on, even my heart had to go away. BUT I'm gonna see him on Saturday!! Anyway, the club.. I felt so good. And I got a kiss on my cheek from a GIRL. She stept on my foot accidentally. Guys were basically walking through me and they didn't even say sorry. Bastards! Then there was an old classmate, who now thinks she's so much better than others. "Yeah, I'm sitting here with my bf and chilling on facebook in my awesome touch-screen phone. I'm too cool to dance. I'm too cool to say hello to my old classmates.". PA-THE-friking-TIC! But dancing with the good ones was awesome! And I looked so club-material-girl. I think there was no girl who was wearing more close than I did :D Cherry, only you were missing from that perfect evening.

Going back to Sweden was so "fun". First the port was full off drunk ppl. Then the women in check-in didn't wan't to give me my ticket.
"You're only 19. Ppl under 20 can only travel with a person who's over 30 in the weekends."WHAT THE ***? Like on workdays I'm adult and in the weekend I'm not? What a weird rule. Becides, they sold me the ticket on the internet. Makes no sence! My dad was pissed off:
"Where's the boss of the company. It's gonna be a court case." And we got my ticket right away :D
Noone messes with my dad. He's like an american. Always wants to go to the court to insist justice. At least it seems to be like that there.

On ship. Stepping in my room. I see 2 grannys. First thing one of them says to me:
"I hoped noone else will come here, but then you came." Hello to you too :D And then she complained how sick she is and how much medicin she have to take and how bad she feels.
"I can't be in a same room with so many ppl. I don't have enough air."The Crew had a security training. Everybody heard alarm. The old women came to the room and said that she was so terrified that she thought she's gonna die right away. Overreacting much? :D
I woke up about 5am and what I saw? She was walking back and forth in the cab. Are you serious? It was freaky. I couldn't fall asleep again. It stinked there. So I got myself ready and went out. When I went back after few hours, the I'm-gonna-die-today woman asked:
"Couldn't you sleep because of me?"I was trying to be nice: "No, I just had enough of sleeping."
"Oh, I thought if you were up because of me, it would have been one and one: you couldn't sleep because of me and I couldn't sleep because of you in the morning."Hahaha, seriously? :D The other grandma' was nice. She was finnish, but she talked swedish too, so we had a nice conversation with her. She was always cheerful and sweet.


On Monday I broke up with thai boxing. If you saw me sparring there, you could realize why I stopped. I can't hit people. I was doing some stupid swimming moves and I closed my eyes, when someone hit me and even when I hit. Becides my boyfriend didn't like my bruises :D

When I look at you, when I talk with you, when I think about you, my pupils are heart-shaped

Never thought I'm such a softy

On Wednesday I went to school only to make some tests. After that I felt I need to talk with someone, who could know how to make things better. I choosed the teacher I trust and like the most. First I spoke about what happend in the shop.
"Do they have a right to search my bag without a reason?"
"No, no they don't"I talked more abot it, how bad I felt and stuff and then, oh shit, it got so emotional, that I almost burst into tears. My voice was friking weird :D
"It's okay, you can cry. We have time." 
She was so nice. Luckily I managed to hold it back. Only few tears. That wasn't even a big deal. When little things bug me that much, then what happens with bigger ones'?
"I wanna do something about it so it will never happen again with me or with anybody else. Can I do something?"
Yes yes yes!! She said she will call to the boss of that shop and ask why they did it. It's obviously not good for the shop either that the cashier did it. They will loose customers. I'm never gonna go back there. I even don't wanna see the shop anymore, cause it will only remind me the humiliation. And probably the people I have told about it, would feel also weird beeing there. When they have a bag, then I think their gonna hesitate going in there. Next week I'm gonna hear what happend.
After that I told to teacher the other problem that's been bugging me. Much more important than the shop insident. AND OH MY GOD, I had to fight with bursting into tears again. What the hell is wrong with me? I didn't think I am so soft. Anyway I got help. She said what should I do.
"After you have done it, please tell me, how did it go and if it worked, okay? I wanna be sure, that everything works out. If it don't help we're gonna figure out something else."
I love her! I'm not just a work for her, like students mostly are for teachers. She really cares about her pupils.
Then I had to go. I took a look in the mirror. Gosh! My chest was filled with big red blots, like I had some rash. When I was on the bus, I discoverd that my heart was still beating out of my chest. I'm so not used to talk about my problems and feelings.


Now I'm in Estonia. At my older sister's home. Love it here. My little niece counted days till my arrival. We did a lot of stuff together. She wanted me to paint a picture with watercolours. I told my sis that my guy is black (I told it to my granny too and she said "Oh my God!" :D I love seeing the reaction of ppl. They are not used to with different ppl) and she was bugging me after that.
"Have you kissed with him? Have you had sex with him?"
And so on.. When I was painting the picture for my niece, sister said to her taughter:
"Do you wanna see Eveli's boyfriend? Let her draw you him."
Challenge accepted! I started to paint and my niece said:
"You can use this to do the face." and guess what colour she was pointing? :D WHITE.
"No dear, she can't use it." said my sis.
I started with the face. My niece looked it and asked:
"What's that?"
"It's his face." I answered.
"Why is it brown?" she was confused.
My sis said to her: "Yeah, sweetie, why is it so? You should know why. Eveli will explain you."
Felt like a society lesson. I said: "He has a different nationality. He's from Africa."
Guess it came into her mind, "A NIGGA!" she said with a cute smile. She was happy, that she knew it.
Just to clear it up, even though "nigga" is politically incorrect word, it's mostly not a swearword in Estonia. At least I haven't ever used it as an insult. There just doesn't find a good word for black people. In estonian it is "neeger". It's simple and mostly doesn't have a bad meaning. Of course there finds some stupid jealous ppl who says bad things about black ppl, some skinheads, who use that word as a swearword, but still.. Why is it inappropriate in the first place? I'm gonna ask that question later to google.

That's what I painted. Sorry, I'm not an artist.

Bad things only makes us stronger

Very personal. Maybe I shouldn't talk about it, but I really want to get it off my chest and blog is the best place for me even though it's public and others don't have to know about my problems. But still... it's my life and I'm not ashamed or whatever. I'm gonna give all my secrets away. Ok, don't get your hopes up :D

Another sleepless night. Me and mom are sleeping in my sistetrs room, cause sleeping in the same room with dad is impossible because of the reason I already have told. What my sis did? Watched some stupid vampire series (Buffy I think) without headphones. Somehow I still fell asleep. Then about 4am I woke up because of an awful smell. My sis had smoke in the room and not even opend the window. Thank you for harming my health and not letting me and mom sleep. Mom asked if she's gonna watch her stupid show all night long. She said yes. Thoughtful! Yes, I was grateful that she let us sleep in her room, cause we couldn't sleep in our room. Me, my mom and I don't have our own room. We sleep in our living room that are split half with a closet. My dad got my bed, so yeah. My lil bro slept in the same room with dad. Hahha, nothing can disturb him when he's sleeping.

So I woke up 4am and I wasn't able to fall asleep again. So I went to the kitchen to study. I have never drink black coffee, but this morning I drinked 2 cups and I even liked it. Unusual. Anyway when sis came to the kitchen and wanted to smoke there, I got mad and said she can close the window, close and tape the holes of her door and smoke there.
"Are you serious?" she asked.
I said of course I am. I even said thank you for letting us sleep there and I wanted to explain that she was wrong and selfish, but she just said angrily "Shut your mouth" and went to her room. Noone messes with me. I took tape, went to her door and did what I had to :D
My bro woke up "What are u doing?"
I said "Shh!"
He looked and understand "Good work!"
Hahah. He added that I should have taped her window also, cause she could escape through the window by bonding her clothes together. He have watched too much tv. The tape wouldn't stop her going out of her room (I'm not that bad, come on), but the message counted. I had to take it off, so my sis wouldn't be able to accuse us in terrorizing her. Puberty is sooooooooooooooo awesome.

I felt so bad for my mom. She will have a very long and hard day today. First 4 dirty house she needs to clean and then school. She'll be home at 9pm. She was so messed up in the morning. Tyred and sick. When I put my hand on her forehead and hold it there for a while, she almost fell asleep. It's so imprortant that she will have a good sleep. Uhh..

It's so hard. It really is. I love her, but sometimes I wish I lived somewhere else, far away from her. The things she have told to me.. the things she have told others about me... It hurts alot. I thought we were good, that we get a long fine, that we are friends and then she just goes and complains how awful I am.
We have to interrupt, but the swedish childcare system is f*cked up. Children have so many rights and parents so few.




Yesterday happend really disturbing incident. I had some minutes before i had to go to bus, so I went to a foodshop to just look if they had some good offers or new goods. When I hurried on the bus, the shopkeeper stoped me.
"Can I look in to your bag?"
I was so shocked that I had to ask "What?" even though I heard very well what se said.
I felt so embarrased, humiliated. I think my face was red as Snowhites lips. She had no reason at all. I didn't even touch anything. I gave my bag and she searched my bag like I was some thief. I should have asked maybe they wanna search through me too like police searches through hooligans and other crooks WITH A GOOD REASON. Search my pockets and touch my body. Maybe even do a x-ray just for in case I had swallowed something. I'm never gonna go back to that shop. And what's worst, the women even didn't appologize. These kind of things get's me so bad, that I usually cry, but I was holding it back this time. I wish I had said something to that mean woman. Come on, every shop has cameras and alarms... What if I had took apples or sth with from home? What would have happend? What if I had missed the bus because of them? What if I was in hurry? That's just so so so stupid. I told about what happend to my classmates who were also waiting the bus. They said that it have happend before too. The reason why they searched my bag, was that it was big (usual size, just a schoolbag) and if I wanna go to a shop, I should leave my bag to cashier's. ?????????????? That's not normal, really. I'm gonna do sth about it. I promice. Noone have to feel themselves as thieves with no reason.

I close my eyes and I can see a better day.

Estonians as a football gangstas

This is how it all started

Now we estonians got very pissed off, even though our team is not that good. In fact I think we have never been good in football. That's why I don't watch us playing. Hurts too much :D But this time our team have been a bit better and we actually won some games. Yes, we are so proud. Then came that game with Ireland and lot of ppl had their hopes up. And what we got? We got Viktor Kassai.

10 games, 58 yellow cards, 5 red cards. It makes 2 cards in minute.

Then got everything pretty wild on facebook. First "Viktor Kassai dislike" club or whatever that was. I can't remember something more popular with estonians. Now it has over 30 000 likes (there's á bit over a million people in Estonia so it's a pretty big thing). We don't like unjustice. Then came pictures and wall post and all other stuff. Facebook was full on Kassai. People overreacted. Like "Now that Kassai gonna get". "You can't hide.". "If I was him, I would't show my face in Estonia.". I really hope that noone is not that stupid to kick his ass. "Estonian fans handing out red cards in Dublin.". Now I know that overreacting is in my blood :D Anyway it's getting embarrasing.

There was an offering "We're giving away luxurious week for you and your six friends." Couple of ppl put "like" to it. Like 25 000 ppl :D Then it changed to "We support Ireland and Viktor Kassai!" hahah! LOL. Nice prank! Lot of ppl was angry. It's so easy to piss us, estonians off :D It was so entertaining to read the comments there. I got a lot of free time

Anyway today's gonna be another match between Estonia and Ireland! So 21:35 at estonian time it starts. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, I like Ireland ppl (mickeys??). Before the game, after the game.



A comment from a guy in "Victor Kassai dislike" group. Kassai is hungarian btw 

"Hey, I'm hungarian and proud member this group, because I see this arogant idiot on every week, Let's go FTC, Let's go Eesti ; )"

Guess who's going to Estonia tomorror? :D And this time I will actually see my friends too. So good! But first I gotta survive a night on ship with my dad. No man snores more awfully. Seriously. Yesterday night I slept only 3 hours. I woke up, clapt my hands really loud, but of course it didn't help. I couldn't throw something at him, 'cause it would have been so mean. Gosh, I had forgotten how difficult it is to live under the same roof with a man. He's gone soon, so whatever. The whole family is together now and it feels weird. Thanks to this is the bond between me and my sister getting stronger. I love hanging around with her. I think that around her I act much weirder than around others :D Yeah, I'm so 19 years old. At least still a teen.

I'm suprised about that feeling inside me. I really love him. I'm facinated, amazed, happy, happy, happy. That's the way it is with ppl who's in love. It's so ordinary, nothing unseen or unfelt, but gosh.. I think about it every day and it gives me chills. I don't believe in love at first sight. It's just first impression, based only on appearance. It wasn't there in the beginning. But suddenly.. yeah. Guess you learn to love. I ain't letting go. I'm waiting. Patience. No one can see it the way I do. Noone has to know, how it is. HIS MINE