I wanna run run runaway

Sunday I went to work as always. 4 and a half hours with green onions. Fun fun fun :D I would have been there longer, but my sister needed me to babysit her taughter. After work I visited my father, who lives near to the greenhouse, where I work. He's unbelievably sweet. He bought me a nice jacket and a digital SKIPPING ROPE from Finland. It's really one of the strangest thing :D Yesterday I tried it out. I jumped a thousand times. Good, that granny wasn't at home. Neighbours probably think I'm weird because of all that whipping and stuff. My granny has been in the hospital for over a week and I've become really paranoid. When someone knockes on the door, I try to be as quiet, as I can and pretend that noone is home. Some of those people, my granny knows, freaks me out. Especially those, who drink too much. Beside that, 3 drinkers live in the same staircase. One night, when I went jogging, I stumbled upon a man who was sleeping in the corridor. There were pitch-dark so obviously I scared the hell out of me. When I went back home, he was still there... Why do we have to live in the same house with those people? That's not normal!
Back to my dad now. When I saied him bye, he huged me and said that he loves me. U probably think that's no big deal. I think I haven't ever heard him say that. Anyway I was really touched :)

I'm in love

with a guy I saw in my dreams :D I was thinking that a dream-relationship would be a great thing :D Hopefully someone invents a way to control dreams, so everyone could see in their dreams, what they want. Wouldn't it be great?!

I've been reading a lot of books lately:
* "My America" by Epp Petrone

* "My America2" by Epp Petrone

* "My Argentina" by Liis Kängsepp

* "My Columbia" by Ave Ungro

* "Heroine of the desert" by Donya Al-Nahi

* "Sold" by Zana Muhsen

I like them all, and I really suggest you to read them. Especially the bottom 2 books. I'm addicted to books :D I'm planning to read all "My..."-series :D 2 bottom books are especially good. Those books are all based by a true story.


I feel so bad. "To be, or not to be" is the famous question. It seems to me, that theres no reason "to be". Everything I do, I do wrong. First my granny. I didn't visit her at first and she made me believe I'm a careless person. Then I wrote first time a comment in ekool (an Internet site, where is all school stuff like marks, homework, events and so on), that made a lot of teachers angry for no reason. They misunderstood and thought the worse. Now I wrote another comment where I explained everything. The third thing that upset me, is that people don't like my plans. I thought that it would me cool and special to sing "Billionaire" in our graduation. It's the song of our class. Moreover it would create a positive and joyful mood, which would be great, cause probably everyone would be sad. First people were in for it, but today, when I asked, who would be willing to do the rap-part and only 2 people were willing to do that and I asked one of my classmate, who loves that song, why she don't want to sing, she saied, that it would be inappropriate, cause it's ceremonial thing and that song doesn't suit. She saied that some other estonian song would be better. Now there would be no song. Singing the usual and boring songs wouldn't be that great at all. Though, I gotta say that she was kind of right. But I still stand by my idea. I would have been really special like or class is. Why everything have to be always the same? Why can't we stand out the borderline? Why can't we be us? Well, I gotta think something new. I'd really like to make our graduation and us unforgettable. It just sad, that I'm the only one. I'm thinking more and more about our class. Yes, we're all friendly. Yes, I like the people from my class, they are really sweet and nice. But we don't do almost nothing. Even when we have some collective events, there're still a lot those, who don't come. We are all friends, but we don't have nothing special. :/

Tears are aomething people should keep themself. There's nothing wrong being emotional and open-minded, but crying and later telling others how the tears came out and all isn't necessary.

I feel like I'm nothing special, and it's really sad. I'm invisible. Gosh, how much I wan't to go to Sweden, where my family is. They really truly like me. They see my bright sides. They make me feel good about myself. They love me. Now most people make me feel like I'm the worst human-being. Like everything is do, I do wrong.

I gotta leave, I gotta go,

there’s nothing here for me no more

I gotta be free, I gotta be

somewhere that I can just be me.

and I run run runaway, run run runaway,

run run runaway, I runaway.

We can make it if we try

We can make it to the top. Oh, yes we can :) haha, "yes we can" reminds me Obama :D By the way, I participated in a speech contest and one of the prices I got were pictures of Obama.. again! (this I wrote a long time ago)

Today is April Fool's day. And today is the day I finally decided to write sth. Gosh, I feel bad that I've been so superficial. I haven't spend time for thinking over important things. I haven't spend some time for my self. Not enough. I like the way thing were before when I were alone quite often. Now I have always somebody around me and I feel more alone then ever. Maybe it's because I don't have my family (my mom and younger siblings) close to me. When we lived together, we actually were in a privacy. Everybody mind theis own business, but it felt good having them near. Guess I'm just use to that feeling that they are with me. I miss them. Everything can't be perfect. Actually my life is quite good. I can't complain. I'm happy that the school is over soon. I'd be even happier when CC finds me family in USA. I want to go there so bad! Recently I read a book from Epp Petrone "My America". I found out a lot of things that I didn't knew before. Like that there's 2 Americas: red and blue. I knew that there's 2 gangs: crips and bloods. Even in my little town exist those, but they're more like wannabes(especially crips). Nothing serious. Then I found out about the consumer habits, about the streets(incredible that there are no pavements in some city-parts). Then I read about how the people felt about the horrible event that took part on September 11th, 2001. I could say that thanks to the book I got a little taste of the life in USA. I wanna know some more. I wanna be there! I wanna be in an american family.

Love is in the air, but I don't care. I like being single. Friendship is the most I need from a guy right now.

Hopefully next time I write will be much sooner :D

Can't hold on to

Gosh, how much I like Matisyahu. Keep my feet on ground and my head in the clouds. He and his music are great!

I found in my friend's blog a great quote by Remarque: "If you let anything come too near you want to hold on to it. And there is nothing a man can hold on to.". I think I go by that quote. At least now. I can't be bounded with this place. I have to be free to follow my dreams. I know, that when I find someone, I won't need anything more and that's bad. I need to have more ames, more reasons to wake up. That's why I like being alone.

All my mindpower will work for me and things will be just the way I expect and wish. I know it's selfish for wanting what I want but I can't help myself. I need something extra good happen to feel better. One day I'll be much better person. Hopefully. I have good examples.

Gosh, I better don't think anymore. I see only black and white colours.

It consumed me. I was strong out. drifting apart...

Heartbreaking story

Listen it while u're reading. Love that song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9Kf4esMvdE

My friend send me a story and it was so good, that I have to share it with u guys. Please be patient and read it. It's worth every second u spend reading this.


I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a cashier hand this little boy some money back. The boy couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The cashier said, “I’m sorry, but you don’t have enough money to buy this doll.” Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ”Granny, are you sure I don’t have enough money?” The old lady replied: ”You know that you don’t have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.” Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to. “It’s the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.” I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her afterall, and not to worry. But he replied to me sadly. “No, Santa Claus can’t bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.” His eyes were so sad while saying this. “My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.” My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said: “I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.” Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me “I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won’t forget me. I love my mommy and I wish she doesn’t have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.” Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly. I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. “Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?” “OK,” he said, “I hope I do have enough.” I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money. The little boy said: “Thank you God for giving me enough money!” Then he looked at me and added, “I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!” “I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn’t dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.” “My mommy loves white roses.” A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn’t get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy? Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away. I couldn’t stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest. I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.




This week was our music teacher a brazilian. She spoke about brazilian music and history. It was pretty facinating. She had to come in the lesson on friday also but she got sick. Anyway I asked our teacher who replaced her, why do she like Estonia so much, why did she came here, why is she planning to move IN VÕRU. It's so small and boring town. Our teacher saied, that the brazillian heard somewhere something about Estonia and she got curious. Then one day she came here and she liked my country a lot. She wonderd why are we so sad and when we got everything we need to be happy. Brazilia is quite underdeveloped and there take place nature catastrophes every now and then. People have 2 options: die or fight for their life. Even though there's quite hard, the people are joyful. Anyway our brazilian wants to spread joy :) She's real sweetheart. I like her a lot. She likes snow and the cold :D Amazing, right.

First days of the new year have been great and so will be all others :) From the first seconds I knew that 2011 will surely be the best I ever had. I'm gonna graduate. 3 months left with my sweet class. My classmates are like my brothers and sisters. I love them! I'll never forget them and in the beginning I'll probably miss them terribly but I hope I won't be too sad. Life goes on and I have so many good days ahead. Better enjoy each day. People come and people go. Some stay and be close to you forever, somes path moves away from urs. It's important to learn how to let go.

I love living. Sometimes I don't like myself but lukyly these days are rare. My friends love me and I love them. What else matters? My future plans are great! I don't worry too much. I believe that next year at the same time I'll be in Sweden with my family. It doesn't matter where I live. When I'm with them, I'm always home. They just moved to a bigger apartment in Morgongova. It's a much better location than where their former apartment were (in Runhällen). Morgongova is closer to Uppsala. Gosh, I even like the name of that place more :D

I love Kertu!

My dear friend had to write for english class about a friend and she wrote about me. Here it is.

"The person who i´m going to talk about has tought me alot in my life. I could say that she has been my mentor-like she has gave me a lot of importnat toughts to think about.

I met her accidentaly couple of years ago in Rakvere, while she was visiting her boyfriend here. At first she was shy and didn´t even want to look staright into my eyes, but some days later i used internet to get contact with her. She was gracefully suprised to see me wanting to be her friend. Days passed and we started to become closer with every word-it felt like we have so much in common and we had some much to discuss about: people, feelings, relationships, policies, communication...

As well as she has great personality, she shines with happy smile always i´ve met her. The most beautiful thing about her are her almond shaped green eyes what are fitting perfectly with her long slightly streaked blonde hair. She usually wears her hair in ponytale and she doesen´t have a fringe. Her face looks thin and she is fairish. Her pencil thin eyebrows are shaping perfeclty her face and are bringing out her natural beauty. Compeared to me she is about 5 cm taller than i am. Altough she has a great slim figure and tall legs she isn´t wearing skirts a lot but i am quit sure that she would look stunning in skirts and dresses. As all of students she likes to wear casual and comfotable close: like close-fitting blue jeans, different patterned top´s and low-heeled shoes or low-heeled boots. Looking her dresscode i must say that her favourte colours must be green, brown and blue.

Like in the beginning i already started describing her shiny personality i must continue it. As i sayd before, i love everything about her. She can hear all of my problems and give them fair assay. There were also times when we could sit in computer and chat about diffrent topics about 5 hours successively and we didn´t feel bored at all. We had perfect confidence to eachother and when one of us had a problem we could give eachothers a call even in the night time. I also think that we gave eachother support in diffrent situatsions what we had to face in life. Sometimes it felt like we were completeing each other in themes what we at first didn´t know much at all.

But listening and solving the probloms isn´t really all that my firned is good at. She loves sport-especially judo and she was good at it in several years. Unfortunately she injured herself couple of years ago in judo and she has had many surgerys with her knee-but it isn´t as good as it was years ago and makes pain. That is also the reason why she had to gave up judo. But i must say that her love towards judo hasn´t left her, she is still going to competitions with her friends and she is cheering for them.

In conclusion i must say that it is hard to put in words what my friend has gave to me. I feel so lucky that i even met her and hopefully she can say the same things about me. "

Wasn't it sweet? She's so so cute! And I'm also very glad that I met her. There were times when we talked every day. She was my favourite girl and I enjoyed having a conversation with her. It's a pitty that she lives so far away, but like it sayed 'far from distance, near to heart'. Sad that we haven't spoke last year as much as she deserves but I'll make it up to u honey! See u in christmas. Mein Stern! I love u :)

Hope it's not too distractive that I'm writing in english and u'll keep reading stuff I write. I have to practise.


Best word characterizing last weeks is KINKY. First things sticks in throat, then "21st Century Sex", then positions, then people asking what lingery I'm wearing, then making weird videos, then "Lolita" with it's Humber Humbert who had sexual desires all the effing time. Like my friend said "Please do sexwash to my brain".

It's been crazily busy week. On Monday I felt awful cause I slept only 2 hours. I was in the middle of dreamland and reality. Right after school our class went to Vastseliina's boarding school. Our goal was to do some good. First most of us were quite scared. We thought they will dislike us and threw tomatos or sth at us :D I knew from the start that even if they behave ill, they aren't bad. The more we got to know them, the more I started to like them. When we asked what they want for christmas, thay saied that smoke and such.. Gosh, they were only 9 or 10. Seems like even if they have dreams, they don't believe that dreams can come true. Kids from that school didn't have any plans for the future. How could it be possible?? :/ Life has taken their dreams away. It was so unfair. Anyway I hope that I'll see them again soon.

I won't speak about things I had to do because of school this week, but I will talk about how happy I am, that I decided to go there and not some other school. I love my people. Even some teachers are great! Especially my german teacher :D Gosh, she's so funny! We'll make a party in the last german class. Next week on Wednesday. Can't wait!! And my classmates. Oh damn, they are heaven sent!

I haven't sleep normally for so long time. My usual sleephours extends 2-3 hours. What the hell is wrong with me? :D Luckyly the chistmas holiday starts soon.

I love it when you say "got ya". Ur voice and the way u nod ur head... gosh!

In the absence of the sun you will shine and burn and blaze.

I forgot to say, that I love my psychology teacher. She's the only teacher who says we're wonderful and remembers it to us in every class we have with her. She's great! Most teachers say's only negative things. And I think they're incorrect most time.



What if you have only a week left. 7 days and then you're gone for good. What would you do with your remaining time?
When I had only a week, I'd like to spend it with my friends. Those who live right here, and those who are far far away. I'll make my dreams come true. I'll swim with dolphins, dance all night, find my magic man and do some more things.. Sorry, it's too embarrassing to tell it here. No, not embarrassing, but too personal.
Then I wonder, why don't I do all these things right now? Why can't I live my dreams every single day? I could have heaven right here on the earth..



I saw a shooting star the day before yesterday. I felt like it saied to me that everything's gonna be alright. :)

The day before yesterday I had a little crises with my selfesteem. Gosh, how bad it was. People should learn how to love themselves, 'cause they are absolutelly perfect just the way you are. Like in that song of Bruno Mars. Actually I didn't like, that the girl in the video was so gorgeous. Her appearance truly was perfect. It just seemed to be little fake. I would have liked it much more if there wasn't have been so pretty girl.
For me, just to clear it up, perfect doesn't mean that you have to be flawless. Not at all. :)
Anyway me and my selfesteem, we're cool now. :) Stupid me :D



Do you like christmas? And snow? And the peacefulness? I, for example, do. I'd like to have a silence day soon. Then I'm not allowed to talk during the whole day :D Think I'm capable of that. I like to experiment. Think after silence day I appreciate much more the opportunity of talking with my friends whenever I'd like to.
Yeah, christmas is cool :) My mother, little sister and brother comes to Estonia for christmas. That's so great!



I have curly hair today. Seems, like my friends liked it. BUT DON'T CALL ME A BARBIE. I'M NOT PLASTIC. Wanna touch? :D Anyway I had some nice compliments and it made me feel good.

People, compliment each other! Try to see the best of others and let them know how good they are.



Oh, and if here're mistakes, be free to correct me :)

Be positive

Yesterday in the evening I was thinking that I wanna do something good. Save a life or just make people happy. In the morning I already accidentally did a favor for someone. My lovely jeans took a gum what was stuck under the table. So noone's clothes will be ruin because of that gum. :D Exept mine. But that's okey. I don't mind it. I can cut a hole in my jeans. Very sexy :D

In psychology Cherry and Priit discussed about me becoming the president OF UNITED STATES of AMERICA. Cherry was sure, that I'll be it :D It means I should move there soon. Otherwise there will be no president Ev. Good, that my friends consider me as so powerful girl. lol



Don't care, don't care, don't care.... A thousand times more and I may even believe it. Hahha. I should not care what happens. My happiness shouldn't depend on others. I mean that if someone decides not to talk with me anymore, I shouldn't become sad. Cause there's many other's who likes me and who I like. They won't disappeare. They'll stand by me no matter what. These are the people I should care of but not those who may reject me. I don't like to be rejected :/ So DON'T CARE. Who is willing to hit me, when I still ignore my order and I'll be awfully sad because of rejection? Sometimes I really need to be back on the earth. I, hopless girl, live in the clouds too often. I should be okey. Ofc I will, I always do :)

Oh, and I'll win with lottery soon :D

They say what goes up must come down, but don't let me fall.

Bye!
Don't you guys dear to reject me! :/